phileos

It touches my heart deeply that God knows me

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 23:35:01 GMT

Morning:) It is a beautiful morning. Just beautiful. Beautiful sky, beautiful weather, birds chirping (seriously) softly outside. It really helps that my major exam is over. Things just seem more beautiful when you actually have (or rather, make) time to appreciate them no?

I've been busy, and possibly a little bothered by stuffz, but all that's done with now and i'm just happy and at peace now enjoying this little pocket of time before going for a whole day of (judging) debates. I miss debating. I miss debating much. Miss the debaters much!!

Went for Melvin's wedding yesterday which was beautiful. One of the simpler ones I've been to (a lot of people say they want simple weddings but few actually turn out really simple. haha). The wedding verse/passage was psalm139. Of which i initially thought, huh, that's a pretty odd/interesting passage to use for a wedding. But the sermon by Evan's dad was great. Possibly something that's very personally relevant for me. Psalm 139 is about being known deeply and intimately by God and the sermon's main thrust is how (perhaps only) being secure in God's love enables us to be known by others and to open ourselves up to potential rejection and acceptance. I agree, fully and totally. I'd say (this is my honest opinion) that only by knowing God and experiencing His restorative love can we truly experience relationships with Him and others that are made whole by His love. It's quite interesting because this was the passage given to me by the prayer ministry team at the W&M retreat. I remember opening the card up and seeing the passsage thought to myself, huh, that's it? that's my passage for the retreat? but it's true. Above all else I think more important than doing stuff for God, living according to His will etc. etc. is that God just wants to know us (He already does so it's more like us knowing how much God knows us. heh) and for us to know Him.

Which led me to one of my latest threads of thought. For some time now I feel I'm beginning to feel that really it doesn't matter what one's lot in life is. Rich, poor, tall, short, thin, fat, smart, not so smart, sporty, not sporty, privileged, underprivileged. I'm not saying that I don't care about the inequalities of this world. Trust me, I have angsted over inequality in the world for years and have often asked God, why does even more sad for the rich simply because they seem to have everything and yet the world seem like such an unfair place sometimes? But you know, I feel that whatever one's lot in life, we all ultimately have the same quest, that is to know God. And how we go about it differs from individual to individual according to that which God has bestowed upon you and the various circumstances He brings about. One isn't easier or harder than the other per se, they're all just different. no i'm not advocating just accepting global poverty and inequity, but that the search for meaning, for that greater fulfilment in life seems universal and we're all just pilgrims on a journey and we all have to find our own way. that's what i think. and also that seriously, even when life seems good according the standards as defined by the world, i've seen no lack of misery and suffering amongst the rich.and sometimes it's have nothing. no lack of divorces, painful, broken relationships, peacelessness, anxiety, worry, the sleeping pills industry is thriving and booming. excess and lack both have their share of problems i feel. that's what i gather at least from my naive and narrow short life.

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in�behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

being thankful

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:45:41 GMT

I often think of what it means to have faith. In small things, in big things? What does it mean to live a life of faith. I think it obviously means a lot of things, i think it means different things to different people. I think God speaks to us in different ways and asks different things of us.

But for today I thought the one thing God told me is that having faith means sometimes just being thankful. Thankful for all the blessings we have. Thankful that in spite of our fallen-ness, in spite of how we may not love God all that much oftentimes, that we still have His grace and His love in abundance. If there's one thing I think I will never grow out of, I think it is that I am amazed that God would love me for all that I am. I really mean it, I think that when we take away all the things we do to seem Christianly, when we take away our 'pious' actions, I think we all know that deep down inside, we're really quite unlovely, if not for the love of Christ. Hm. I'm reminded of this saying that it is the love of Christ that makes us lovely, not ourselves. Can you just trust that I am enough for you?

trust

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:03:03 GMT

All things work for our good
though sometimes we cant see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows whats best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just cant see Him,
Remember Hes still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you dont understand,
when you dont see His plan,
When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So dont live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, Hes weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

I first learnt this song in MG when some old girl came back to share. It's a song I hold close to my heart especially during certain periods of life. heh. Sometimes I think the biggest battle in life is to just simply trust God. to simply trust that He will work things out in His perfect timing, to look at our sin, our fallenness, our imperfections and see them in the light of the Cross and believe that yes the Cross is enough for me. Not my righteousness, not my will, not anything i do, save by the blood of Christ.

I've been a bit blah of late. and life's been interesting. so many interesting coincidences and incidences happening, none of which i could've planned for or imagined. It's quite funny, i've been able to share a fair bit with people of late, help people in little ways, do Christian things. and Daddy's been speaking to me about perfection lately right? So what if you lived a 'perfect' Christian life, what's that to you? And today i felt God ask, Li Feng, what is it that you want or are unhappy about? i don't know, perfection? maybe it would be nice to live in a perfect world for a change, a world without problems and sin? Ok, so let's say i save all the billions of people here on earth, what is that to you? i don't know... don't you see that the point is not the circumstances or results? the point is that I am here and that I am with you, don't you see that the point isn't how things are or look, it is Me being there that makes the difference. It is I who change the perspective through which you see things. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... heh.

Don't you see that what you really want is to know how much you are loved by Me? don't you see that it's not the results that really matter per se?

Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. ²The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. ³But the man who loves God is known by God.

grace

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 10:51:27 GMT

Im listening to the song "Jesus loves me" over and over again. haha. It just makes me cry. It makes me cry that Jesus really would love me. I mean like duh, who doesn't know it but even after all these years, when you think about it, it is still amazing that Jesus would love us.

It's nearing Christmas and the end of the year. Hm. As the year wraps up, as i think about life and the church and what i've done i suppose, what do i ultimately wish for? I think I wish for us to love each other more with the love of Christ. Eph3:14-19. i was reading some stuff just now. Quite interesting reads. Majoring on the minors, even my own personal observations of things. Sometimes I think that everybody thinks they are right. Obviously. Who would live otherwise based on what they didn't think was right. I think there are certain essential things, I put my foot down on certain absolutes that I think I would die and maybe kill for. heh. But sometimes I just feel like rolling my eyes when I hear some people talk about various stuff. Lately I feel what I look out for, the measure of Christ-likeness is how much of Christ's sacrifical love is embodied by someone. We were just commenting today how difficult it is to love and truly accept people. Sure it's easy saying we do and talking to them, but really loving people, accepting them totally for who they are, it's no easy task. Even for myself, God, I want to be nearer and closer to You. -no response- per se from God, but along comes person A who's absolutely annoying me under my skin. Along comes person B who's been hard to love for years. God, I want to see YAM grow. so start loving those 'difficult' people. I remember sharing this at somewhere before, often we find it hard to love because we don't realise how unlovely we actually are and how much God loves these other people. So i've been rather whiny of late right, today in service I remember just uttering very randomly under my breath oh God, it's so hard loving rich people don't You think, ee, i think I don't like them (heh. fine. sorry). don't You think our church would be more on fire if only we weren't blinded by our self-sufficiency! and God's reply was very stark, very immediate, the sternest I've heard for a while i think: don't despise what I've created. I love everyone with the deepest love you could ever know. hm. ok. oops, sorry, got that. God really shows no favourites. Often I find we think we're doing well in our own eyes, but we should really look through other people's eyes for a change. I think a lot of things which seem really well-meaning and even pious sometimes actually come from pride. I will do well to remember more and more each day of what a wretched sinner I am. How wretched I am and how it is only by God's grace that I can live and have breath each day. Trusting in His grace to get me through is so much easier. Hm. also of late it's been hard surrendering some stuff. So thank God for people to help hold me accountable, but again today I was slipping into a no God, i think i know what's best. obviously in a subtle way, then I was reminded rather nicely I thought about surrendering. not just coz that's what God wants and it keeps Him no.1 in our lives, but simply because God does so much more with what little we hold onto when we surrender and also it's so much easier living that way. Lately I think I've taken to worrying a lot. Just about everything and anything. Ok God, yeah I'll pray but i'll still hold onto it thanks. But cannot. I actually had pimples this week. my goodness. eeww. I never, ever have pimples. never. ok they're quite tiny. but yes, sometimes it seems like we're still learning all these basic lessons, I wonder if we'll ever progress to 'bigger' lessons and issues, but i think really sometimes it boils down to the 'basics'. Trusting God, finding peace in His love and just knowing ever more deeply His grace for us. I think for a while now God's been slowly dealing with my issue of expectations. Of self, of others, of the church. Hm. It's quite interesting seeing how unmet expectations actually results in quite disastrous results. But actually who are we to expect things of others when really I was reminded of the verse that we shouldn't be bothered about the speck in others' eyes when there are planks in our own (i think the Holy Spirit uses different verses to speak to us at different times) and above all, God is the one who judges and all are able to stand because Christ enables Him to. Actually it is really quite something to call each other brothers and sisters in Christ, coz it really makes me think of how I much i love my brother and sister. do we have expectations of our brothers and sisters? yes. But if they don't meet them does it change anything? does it change our love for them, do we get so upset that we don't really want to speak to them or think they aren't good enough? no. We still love them as they are. It amazes me how many people are made to feel that they aren't 'good enough' in church. what, that's ridiculous because nobody is ever good enough, not without Christ's blood that is. But it's not easy to love, a friend asked, so how then? To which my answer i think is simply, that's why we need Jesus right, heh, we can't do it on our own, that's why we daily just pray for strength and grace. yup, that's why we all need Jesus:)

life. haha

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 06:53:26 GMT

I really liked today's sermon. It was something that really spoke into my heart. I haven't been a very thankful person of late. In fact my fb status update was Lord help me be thankful at one point this week. And it's so true. At the end of service I just sat in the pews to be alone and quiet for a while and just prayed in my heart, Lord, forgive me for ever thinking that I live by anything apart from Your grace. Forgive me for fixing more on myself, what I do, my work, my walk rather than on You, the grace You've given me through the Cross and all that You've done for me. Lord, thank You once more for dying for me. Thank You for Your grace, help me to not think I could be thankful for anything more than the grace You have shown me.

I have been such a whiner and complainer for some time now, it's rather disgusting. Must repent. So often I slip into fixating more on what I do and myself rather than all that Christ has done for me. Lif, learn your lessons quicker! Remember, it's really not about you, it's about Him and all He's done.

So anyway, I wanted to write some stuff after having wonderul and interesting conversations with people this week. It's been a rather interesting journey of late. Not quite doing things I normally do, just 'relaxing', opening myself up to God in new and interesting ways. I think sometimes we put God into a box, we cast Him to be of a certain mould and then He comes to break down what we're comfortable with, only to expand and broaden our knowledge of Him. So it's been a bit weird, a bit uncomfortable, but good. Hm. I think it's quite heartbreaking seeing people live without God. yup. Really heartbreaking. And I feel added impetus to write after what a dear friend sent me about some korean model who committed suicide who had a blog that many people just fed off for voyeuristic purposes. The online/internet community/phenomenon is a really interesting one. Yes, so I was just reflecting after lunch with some friends how at the end of it all, I just choose to believe in Christ. Whatever life may throw at me, whatever people may say, whatever I feel or go through, somehow at some point in my life I just decided that life was meaningless apart from God and I choose to place my anchor, my all, my life in Him. I think good theology's important, I think being grounded is incredibly important, but i don't think that means necessarily that life won't blow certain winds or hurricanes at us that cause us to re-look what we believe in and know to be true and demand of us to make the choice whether in spite and in the face of everything that suggests otherwise, whether we will choose to believe in God, whether we will choose to believe He is good. And I do. I think no matter how close you are to God, ok I could be wrong, things in life happen which challenge your notion and beliefs and then you really have to decide if you will believe. Disappointments, pain, death of a loved one, hope deferred, dreams not fulfilled, fetal abnormalities, terminal illness in the prime of one's life. When these things happen, are we still able to say that all we read, all we proclaim, all we preach to others, are these true? And then it's up to the individual. It's quite sad because there are people whom you talk to and you know they've decided that they want to go on with life without God. No amount of persuasion, intellectual argument will bring about that change of mind. Will you or will you not choose to believe in God. After a while all I can do is listen, love and then just pray and share where and when I can. God knows, He knows where each of us are at, whether we believe in Him or not.

Hm. and I was reminded of something that happened in my life which I wanted to share. Lately I've been thinking about what spirituality means and what it means to follow God. I don't think it means being involved in ministry or telling everyone you know about Jesus. I think those things do happen as a natural outflow and are evidence of knowing God, but that's not what defines a Christian. Lately i've come to see that actually i think everyone whether they acknowledge it or not wants to have meaning in life, wants to feel significant, wants to feel they have contributed in some meaningful way to this world. Whether it is through raising a family and leaving an imprint of ourselves through our children in this world, whether it is through philanthropic work, or earning oodles of money, or even Christian activity. And I think God's response to me has been that ultimately we are defined by Him and how He defines us. It's not our activity necessarily that defines us, we have inherent worth, value, meaning because He created us to have those and He gives them to us. I remember talking a friend who did his undergrad and masters in philosophy and we talked about what the meaning of life is. I think he said something along the lines of it's impossible to have meaning because you need something with agency to impute meaning to something. And because we didnt create ourselves, objectively speaking, we can't give ourselves that meaning because we aren't the agents of our creation. And i was like, wow, that totally shows why there is God and why any meaning in life has to come from Him. Friend drew the parallel to how a pencil was created have meaning as a pencil because of the one who made the pencil, but the pencil itself can't give itself a meaning. only the external creating agent could impute the value into it. Yep. Exactly. meaing = from God.

Ok, i digress from my story. I wanted to share how when I was at the end of year 1 there was a time when I fell fairly ill. Life wasn't easy for me in year 1, i was grappling with things, trying to make sense of what I was doing, where I was in life/what I was here on earth for, holding onto God, but just by every ounce of grace He could give me. So somehow I ended up having pneumonia. I had a spiking fever which did not go down for 10 days and after starting oral amox (i wasn't that ill i guess, but ill enough for a generally healthy person like myself to be incredibly worried and anxious) I had to take my temperature at like 6hourly intervals to see if it was spiking and whether there was a downward trend. I'd wake up each day feeling like crap and I could barely muster the strength to just utter prayers for grace and help. And after several days with the fever not seeming to abate, I remember just crumbling inside and asking God what was happening. God, this is not funny. it's quite scary actually, God, where are You in what I'm going through. And I remember thinking to myself, what if I don't recover, what if I actually died from this. What if today as i knew it my life were to end Gosh, am I really ready to meet God. For all that I say, preach, teach in Sunday School, talk to my friends about, do I really believe that i'm going to heaven, do i really really know that. And I just cried and cried and begged God for mercy. And then at some point after being broken inside, I just knew inside that you know, I do believe in God, I do believe He died for my sins to save me, I do believe He is real and is risen today. I choose to believe and whatever becomes of me, my life is in His hands. I havent really thought back much to what happened that day many years ago, but it really was a time when my soul just really came face to face with the living God in a very real way. And i think that's how it is with us all, we will have to come to that point when one day we decide, is God real, do I believe in Him, do i believe that He died for me. Whatever people say, whatever my circumstances might tell me, do I believe He died for me so I might rise again to be with Him someday. And to that I say I do. With all my heart I believe Jesus died to save my soul and my trust is in His grace alone.

--

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 12:59:59 GMT

Garh, i pressed some button and so all the HTML formatting text is showing. oh well. i can't be bothered to alter it. heh.

13 As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 14 for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. 15 As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. Psalms103:13-16
I've been thinking a LOT about life. I don't know why. I just have. God, can I please think about something else? Can I just be contented to mug my brains out with O&G, i think i should too, the EOPT is how difficult and scary? Nope, that's what i want you to grapple with for now. fine.
So, what do you want for YAM? Erm... You know, I'd like to see this... and that... it'll be wonderful if all the young adults were.... oh God, wow, I can just see it, imagine it, it'd be so wonderful if we only were in such a state. Hmm. ok. So what if I don't make that happen? What? what kind of a question is that God? That's not something to joke about You know... No, I'm serious, what if I don't make all that happen for YAM? Wow.. that would erm.. stink real bad. yup, that would stink big time. So what's that to you? What if all that you hope and dream for doesn't happen? I don't know. guess i'll feel kinda crummy? Would you still love them? Who? the young adults? Yes them. Would you still love them? Yeah i guess... though... Though what? Though it'd seem like such a big waste of time Did i tell you to love them so that they would be changed? Erm. not exactly. Yup, i didn't. I told you to love them just because I do right. Har. that's quite sad. It's quite sad to just love without erm, expecting things to happen, just being honest God. Ya, but that's not the point. Do you think I love you to change you? Erm. maybe? Well no, I love you just as you are you know. Just as you are. Of course I hope you become more like me each day, of course I hope you grow in love for Me. But do you know that i just love you, purely, simply, just because? oh ok. wow. yeah. that's kinda nice God. never quite saw it that way
hm.. you know those people you've been trying to reach out to? what if I dont save them? Huh? what do You mean? I mean, what if those people whom you love don't get save.d You do remember that salvation is my work right? yeah i guess. i don't know. erm. that would stink again too. Yeah, but would that stop you from loving them? Erm, i guess not. it's not supposed to right i guess. yup, so. stop loving people with the view to change them or even to convert them at times. the end goal isn't to convert them per se, it's to love them. Converting people is My work. remember that yeah? hm. ok. Trust me, depend on me. Remember, I'm in control k? I'm in control. Don't worry my child.
It's been a season of just evaluating stuff. Just taking a step back and talking to God in an open and honest way. It's been good. Really good. Just sorting things out. Doing random things with God. Like waking up and hearing God say, you know I do think you're pretty right? Even if others don't think so, you know i do:) haha. Ok i added that last line in.  (oh come on, all girls secretly want to feel pretty lor, although for quite a while now i've just not really cared how I look, it's too much effort, not like i have to dress up much for hospital anyway. HAHA) Just hearing God for the joy of it and not for any particular agenda or concern. Just hearing for the pure joy of it. it's been good. God's been bringing various people into my life and just showing me that He is really journeying with me. Just this week I laughed so hard on two occassions that I wanted to cry and my tummy hurt. One was during worship prac whilst talking to Adrian. I really wanted to cry as I laughed. You'd understand if you knew what had been troubling me. The other was during tutorial when my CG mate said something super funny and random. AC boys. such silly clowns. Lately I've just 'given up', God, You take control, You run things, I really don't feel like trying so hard anymore. You look after me k? And it's been good. Like how God's been providing rides home, haha, i mean it's so minor, but it's been good, I've really felt so looked after and cared for this week and not cause i've been 'good' or doing anything in particular to earn God's pleasure, i've just been surrendering/giving up. heh. Even just how tutorial started and ended late such that we just missed the flood along Bukit Timah although there was a huge jam because there was a string of cars that had stalled because of the flood. I realise it seems like we laugh so much less as adults:( Like how Nic and I were reminiscing about JC days, how simple and fun they were. Yeah. those were the days. Today I was just reminded of how I felt earlier this year. Looking from the balcony of some place, telling God, God, i don't know what I'm here on earth for. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why do I care so much about this, garh, where are You in this world!!! Why does life seem like this! And then there was this amazingly beautiful full arched rainbow. A humongous one. Humongous, from one edge of the horizon to the other. God, I don't know why I'm here but it is enough that You know why. It is enough that You are with me.

life

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 14:29:36 GMT

I've taken quite a liking to solitude lately and it's been good. really good:)

Just wanted to write about something that happened in clinic today. I was in my usual blase/blur mood this morning. It was rather cold and i had stuff on my mind. The MO in the clinic was really nice and funny though. heh. A woman comes in post-TOP. Fairly standard case, although it was for a fetal abnormality incompatible with life which is not very common. I was more fascinated with the fetal abnormality as well as thinking ok, how would I counsel someone on TOP for an OSCE, hmm, what are the post-op complications of TOP to look out for in this case?... But as i was getting a bit lost in my own thoughts, i started thinking, wait, something's amiss here. It wasn't really just a standard TOP case. I suddenly just felt sensitised to the woman's anguish and pain. She wasn't doing a good job hiding and the air was just rather tense. I could just sense a lot of trauma from the TOP. And so I prayed (i mean whilst standing up and trying my best to learn as much as the doctor talked to her). Felt rather helpless/useless praying. Oh God, I feel so helpless yet again in this world. And what does my prayer do, I don't feel like my prayers these days are particularly effective or full of faith honestly. Ok, but I will pray, I want to believe for her that Lord You are enough, that You see and care for her pain, even if she doesn't know You and even though I have no clue how this short little prayer in the clinic helps. God, i'm just going to share her pain from where I am, however little that counts and I'm just going to offer this weak little prayer up to You. It was quite surreal in a way because it was just minutes as I transitioned from being engrossed about OSCE questions and stuff about TOP and FAs to becoming aware of her state. And shortly after praying what little I could, I felt God say thank you for praying. I was just looking for someone to do that for her today. All I wanted was just for someone to pray for her. And that touched my heart really deeply. Sometimes we think that living for God and His kingdom is doing great and mighty stuff. Often it's hard to see how just uttering a prayer counts for anything, how our little actions make any impact given the overwhelming problems and issues in this world. There are times when I do think, what good does praying do really when circumstances never seem to change. Sometimes we think, ok, we can pray and talk but we must act and I think that's true. But it just touched me that sometimes all God is looking for is someone to just utter a little prayer for one of His hurting children. It touched me deeply that so often we forget that God is really taking care of people and looking out for them, even those who don't know Him. He is always at work. Often I look at the world and I feel utterly helpless, useless and overwhelmed. God, there is just too much suffering, too many problems. What's the use of anything? But God is in control, God is conscientiously at work and we shouldn't feel like we're here to solve all the world's problems coz we're not God (but be faithful to that which He calls you to.) I really needed that encouragement in clinic today.

Quite interesting because two random people in the randomest of conversations talked about life events. A friend said how going through seeing the intense suffering of a relative really changes you somehow. Another friend said that whether people acknowledge it or not, you are definitely changed by TOPs. Not passing judgment, just reflecting on life. Normal life events, but life-changing. whether child-birth, growing up in whatever families we come from, friendships, relationships, these are all part of normal life and have such deep and profound impacts on us? Hm. Having a close childhood friend die at 17 was quite life-changing for me. Remembering our carefree days in school, those mornings walking to our prefect duty spot and just sharing those moments with each other. Holding onto hope in the face of the diagnosis, holding onto hope through O's, through JC. Seeing my granddad during his last days, from the fit strong granddad in whose arms I always found love and protection to his bedridden state, needing to be moved to prevent bedsores, being in diapers and all cachectic. Having my aunt say, at least ah kong smiled when he saw you, those tiny shreds of joy and hope that you hold onto in the face of sickness and death. Because we're doing O&G i always think of my aunty who died from ovarian CA. I didn't really get to see much of it because I think my parents wanted to shield us from her suffering. We just heard occasional reports and then one day she passed away, just like that. It was a dark and rainy night when we went to see her casket and it just broke my heart, it broke my heart seeing my daddy put on his usual bravefront. I cannot imagine mourning for a sibling. I cannot. Not at this stage. In some ways i'm more emotionally detached about her passing since I didn't see her physically suffer, i wonder at times if it was a good or bad thing for my parents to have shielded us from that. Life events. Really change you. And yet there is a time and place for everything is there not? Why all this striving when life as we know it will pass away in a blink of the eye? Is it not better to love one another, cherish every day as precious, close your eyes each night with no regrets.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Eccl3:1-8

Hm. Sometimes I think I wish life could pass faster. I wish we could do away with various inefficiencies that just stall for time, I wish we could get to various goals and endpoints in the shortest possible time. But lately it's just been coming to me that it's really all about the journey. Like the 3hour second stage of labour I witnessed and not getting to finish my assist because it was converted to forceps delivery. 3 hours. imagine what I could've done with that time. I should've just gone out, have a proper lunch, chill and chat with friends or read up on something, but nope, I spent 3hours by the bedside of my primip. But that's life isn't it, yeah it kinda felt and seemed like a waste, but it wasn't because it's quite sad if medicine was just about coming in for that exact time and then moving mindlessly from case to case in the name of efficacy and expediency. That's why childbirth is so brilliant, because the labour is so long and painful and unpredictable. heh. Yes, i'm reconsidering my stand on epidural but even by the looks of it, it's still really painful even with the epidural, depending on varoius factors of course. haha. I'm dreaming about europe every day now as i count down to when i fly over. heh. I remember backpacking there earlier this year. I was a complete tyrant, i'd mark out everything there is to see and i'd get the whole bunch of us travelling together to each destination within the quickest time possible. It was quite amazing how much of paris we got to see. I know my friends were impressed. haha. But the best part wasn't that we got to see every nook and cranny of paris including the isolated jean d'arc statue, haha. the best part was just waiting for the metro, retiring for the night in a french-jap restaurant, sitting by the fountain in Rome. the slow bits, the bits when time stood still. bliss. absolute bliss. i want to go travelling again!!

life

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:04:40 GMT

Had by far one of the most interesting dinners in a long while. There we were, 3 of us, one in her 30s, one in her mid 20s, one in her quarter 20s (tts me!). And what should bring us together but YAM:) heh, but our heavenly Father and His love for us.

It's been a time of just thinking about where I am in life. I didn't choose to think about it, it's just something that started cropping up, inspired of God I hope. It's surreal, humbling, interesting listening to someone in her 30s talk about life, the issues, struggles, victories, excitement. There I was lamenting how we undergo so much change in our 20s, hardly any bit of life remains the same for even a few months. you're at one hospital one moment, rotated to another the next, your friends/groupmates change, stuff happens. old friends come and go, some get married, some die (ok not so, mostly their older relatives). And she who is 30+ says, don't worry, when you reach your 30s life is so routine you're praying that it won't remain so. It's so interesting and amazing talking about life and reflecting on the journey God's brought you through and continues to bring you through. Life is such a journey. one to be lived with wonder, awe, a sense of mystery as each day unfolds. I actually hate uncertainty in case that hasn't been clear.

Anyway, i'm pretty sure i'm applying to the States for May. yup. I'm not going to do the boring thing and do a local elective. eeps. heh.

I guess I look back (i sound like i'm 40 or 60) and it's been a hard journey at times but it's been a good journey. My favourite moments in life. many. many:) being in bangladesh this year. going through the streets with hoardes of people. having your heart break as street beggars come to the car begging for money, some with deformities that you'd never see describe in a textbook. learning diving. haha. snorkling in the south china sea, feeling like i'm really such a shrimp, a piece of plankton in the vast ocean, the awesomeness of the depths of the sea beneath you, the beauty of the strangeness of sea creatures and the feeling that you're really a nobody here on earth. nobody. how so often we think we're somebodies when we're nothing! climbing that mountain in year 2 and thinking that all i want is to die on the way up because it was so incredibly physically strenuous. i know, seeing both the big dipper, north star, little dipper (the northern part of the universe) and the southern cross (immensely beautiful and southern part of the universe obviously) in the same sky above the AC field. absolute beauty.

i will do well to stop and appreciate beauty more. especially those around me. my family's going to vietnam at year's end. yay. much to be thankful for:)

waiting

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:41:01 GMT

I had a real eventful day today. Yupp.

Had 2 deliveries that I was waiting for. 1 a multip and the other a primip (first birth). I missed the multip because I was with my primip. The multip was 6cm dilated 40minutes ago when I had checked and her baby was out within minutes! minutes. Great for her but boohoo for me=( But things happen such that you really know God's trying to tell you something. I had taken off my labcoat to put on the apron to prepare to deliver my primip so though the other students were incredibly nice to call me they just couldn't find me. I need only 1 more assist but my primip turned out to need forceps delivery so that doesn't quite count as a delivery. So after 1 and a half days in the labour ward I was just feeling rather upset and discouraged and frustrated and frustrated at being frustrated and not being joyful enough. heh. Oh God, am I trusting You enough. But it was good I guess because God's been using various people to just come alongside me and encourage me. Not to mention that I got a ride home today after fearing about being rained in in hospital for a bit. heh.

I was just taking time to reflect, I have been in a pensive season for a bit and I think it's not a bad thing, God knows I need to take time out to just process and re-assess and get in touch with Him and self in a deeper way. I realise that a lot of my frustration of late has resulted from waiting. Yes. W.A.I.T.I.N.G. I hate it. Waiting around all day for those 1 or 2 cases. Waiting 3 hours to deliver and having it converted to a forceps delivery. heh. Waiting out postings or seasons in life. God, can't You speed things up? I think someone once said that waiting is a spiritual discipline. Well one that's really discipline to me. haha. God, why can't this person know Christ sooner, God, why can't You resolve this problem sooner. God, why can't You move in this and this way for this and that. I guess that's what our fast-paced modern culture gets us into often and we at times apply it to spirituality. God's timings are different from ours and the worlds. Spiritual formation, fruit in life. It's so easy to gauge all things by KPIs, but God's ways are different and His ways are higher. So I'm learning to be patient. Patient with God (if i could even say that), patient with myself too, patient with others, patient with circumstances and life. Lately I feel we shouldn't want to rush through life, we shouldn't try to grow up too fast. Remember Your Creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come and you say I find no pleasure in them. heh.

life

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:32:37 GMT

very pensive now. very. i get into this mood every now and then. Thought I was just feeling miserable because of my present posting, but it's actually been good. It's been good just reconnecting with myself, really thinking and feeling through my station in life right now. God really has His ways doesn't He? Every detour, every stop sign we are at, so easy to feel frustrated and upset but really in my short 22 years of life, nothing in life happens apart from God's sovereignty. Every situation we are in is engineered according to His good and perfect and pleasing will:)

Really good just spending the evening talking to good friends:) Contemplating life.

So what do i think about life so far? If there's something God's been telling me for a while now, it's that it's really a journey. A long journey till the day we die. So don't need to hurry, don't need to get all worked up over mistakes of blips, we'll work it through together, you and I. Am I not God Almighty, Your Loving Heavenly Father?

Being the go-getter me, I often set my sights on goals and run headlong into them. We're told to fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of our faith and run the race with perseverance no? (Heb12:1-2) But really i think I will do well to sometimes look less at the goal and enjoy the journey more. I think it's pretty evident that an issue I've been really thinking about is sanctification. How far we are from it, what it looks like, the costs, the struggles etc. I'm often comforted by the verse if God did not spare His own Son, how much more will He not give us all things. Often I look at the journey ahead and i wonder, how am I going to survive. It's seemed so hard at times, i wonder what else the future has in store. What highs and what lows of low it might bring. scary. haha. But i think i will do well to remember that above all Jesus holds my hand and He has promised never to leave nor forsake me. And more important is to simply enjoy the ride and the journey with Him. I guess it comforts me much, being someone who sees impossibly high standards and feels paralyzed, that I really think that at the end of it all, God only asks that we do our best. He only asks that we try, and He knows what weak wretched creatures we are, that's why He's given us His Son. I think I would like to enjoy life more, smell the roses more, not worry about all the problems in the world that seem never-ending, trust God more, each day open my eyes to see the beauty of His grace and work aroung me. :)

I'm just speaking from my heart and as a human. Not from some fancy smancy theory or anything. But honestly when I die, I just want to know that I gave life my best shot, that I did what I could to live as best a life as I could, that I tried every day to love God and those around me as best as I can, and sure it won't be perfect, but I'm trying and just trusting that God will make all things beautiful in His time and when He finally comes again:)