I've had a somewhat emotionally trying week. For various reasons. Didnt realise how drained and sapped I was until I sat down in God's presence this evening. My soul was just so parched and dry. But I thank God that we can enter His presence always because of the blood of Christ. I can't find that quote now but in his book called growing deep in God, Rev. Edmund Chan wrote something about how prayer isn't about what it costs us, it cost God everything to enable us to pray. How true.

Various things upon my heart again. But God is good. As i awoke from my nap today, I kept having this image of angiography playing in my mind. Seriously. It was the angiogram that I saw on Thursday in which they inject dye into the patient's arm and take radiographic photos using fluoroscopy. The body's entire vasculature lights up. I kept thinking to myself, what's this about. So weird, why am I thinking of an angiogram. And then I felt God say to me, this is how deep i know you. Ok, it is just an angiogram, but God knows us deeply. He knows us right to our very core, our very inmost being He knit and formed together. In the Bible, the word know has various meanings in Greek. One of which, the deepest form of knowing is used to describe sexual union between a man and woman, that's the deepst and most intimate form of knowing. And that's the word know that is used when the Bible talks about knowing God. to know God so deeply and intimately. And best of all, God knows us that deeply, yes even unto the extent and far surpassing the knowledge that a man and woman joined in sexual union have of each other. God sees me for whom i am, He has vision even greater than X-rays, CT, PET scan etc. He knows me fully, completely, totally and He loves me, that's why He sent His Son to die on the Cross. It's so amazing. So beautiful. i know I woke up again from a nap one day this week and suddenly felt alone. So alone. I mean I have friends, many good and great friends whom I'm blessed with, and yet i think there's a part of our soul, a large large part that only God can fill and only He knows. And the wondrous and best news of all is that we do have a God who does know us and loves us as we are.

I think we really need to pray more. I need to pray more in my own personal life. I need to hunger more. One thing though, one thing that I want more than anything in the world, besides Jesus, is for my dad to be saved. For some reason I just have this sense. Christina told me as HIS ministry that she knows my dad will be saved, she doesnt know when or how, but she told me she believes he will be. I think God has helped renew my belief that my dad can and will be saved. I think after maybe more than a decade of praying for him my heart might've gone cold and lost that sense of hope and belief. But I think God has renewed that hope in me. More than anything in the world I want daddy to be saved. I do. I'd give anything (i think) for him to be saved. I want it so much. I was just remembering today how as a young primary 5 girl when my relationship with God was at best patchy, I had this sense one day, just one random evening, of what hell was like. I just had this picture and sense of what it meant to burn in hell. And i broke out in cold sweat. Cold sweat. i couldnt sleep, I think I cried, I just froze and was so scared. And then i prayed and begged God to save me. I remember thinking to myself, I'm pretty sure my mummy's saved, she's such a good person and talks about Christ all the time, I'm not sure I am saved. And so it is for my loved ones who aren't saved. I know I'm saved but that also means i know that those who aren't face a spiritual reality of separation and eternity without God. 

hm. Various things upon my heart. But, good things to share.

Went for our little meddies Bible study today. We happened to be looking at Isa53 and my pre-believing/believing/not too sure but it's ok coz God's at work friend tells me "wa, it's so moving how much Jesus did for us." That totally struck and humbled me. There I was feeling rather tired from the day, deep in thought about certain issues, feeling honestly a little nonchalant about Isa53 coz it's a passage that i do dearly love and so am pretty familiar with. It's such an archetypal passage to look at when considering Jesus isn't it. It's so amazing and humbling how God would use the faith and awe and unabashedly natural response of my friend to open my heart back to Him. Oh Lord, that I would be in child-like awe of all that You have done, to reflect the joy of knowing You and Your sacrifice on Calvary. But it's hard, it's hard when my mind looks at an issue and tries to wrap itself around it and analyse everything about it. heh.

Same, beloved friend of mine during my paeds rotation months ago, during a day when I was feeling rather down and weary from school and the world, turns to me and says "don't be sad lif" and writes "Jesus <3 U' on my lecture notes. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing how God pours His love into my heart in the least expected and most amazing ways. I'm so humbled and in awe.

I'm back from HIS ministry weekend. HIS is a TRAC lay education and development (LEAD) programme and stands for healing inner spirit. Its purpose is quite evident from its title. It's been a good week. A fabulous weekend spent with God and even the week beforehand just preparing for it. My eyes are puffy, my orbicularis oris muscles exhausted from all the crying, but it's been good. I assure you, my whole blouse was studded with tears which surprised me even when I noticed it.

I write perhaps for an audience, but mostly just for me to remember (so i like to think). I obviously have my own private journal and I don't put up every single thing on my mind on this blog, i don't think that's very wise. But nonetheless I try to be as open and honest and vulnerable as I feel led. Mostly to remember and gather my thoughts but also entertaining the possibility that the random blogreader might in some small way be encouraged and above all pointed to Jesus. And I think God uses us yes when we're strong for Him, but often in our weaknesses, in our vulnerabilities because that's when He is our strength and I think in life we are just humans wanting to relate to other humans with weakness and real issues and lives=)

So long preamble aside. So so much to share, but shall just write the salient and important ones. I guess the main thrust of the weekend is just how God poured so much of His love into my heart. So much, revealing Himself to me in such deep and amazing ways.

I responded at the altar call this morning. I was going to go up after hearing Rev. Koh's sermon on the Prodigal Father/son. When the call was made I hesitated just a little since noone was going up, but then the worship leader started singing How Deep the Father's Love for Us. That has been for a lot my life so far God's love song to me. I don't know, just that when I heard it first as a young girl, I just knew the Father's heart was in that song for me (well not just exclusively for me, it's for everyone, but it appeals specially to me). When i heard it tears just fell and I practically ran forward. heh. I bawled for like 3 seconds and then the tears just became a trickle. The prayer minister kept praying but I was like, ok, that's about all. I'm doing my best to open my heart God, but I think that's about it, can't force my heart open either can I. Then Uncle Peter comes to pray for me. I actually call him Peter coz he looks so young but his son's my age so best to call him uncle Peter. So Uncle Peter prays and I still feel a bit emotionless, trying to open my heart but I just can't. He keeps sniffling and I'm thinking, erm ok maybe he's got a slight cold, poor thing. Then as the prayer ends I look at him and he's crying. And I'm like, oh no, please don't, don't waste your tears on me, please please, i dont even seem like i'm responding, oh no, i feel so bad. And he next asks if he can hug me. I know Uncle Peter so of course. He's like a spiritual daddy to me. And what i think would be at max at 5 second or 10 second hug lasts for longer. The truth is, i'm not very good with hugs, i mean typical Chinese family, we don't do long hugs, just tiny embraces. I hug my girl friends and those are like 5-10second hugs max. And in the embrace i feel strangely emotionless/ok, feeling a bit weird now/i don't know what to feel. So i'm struggling. Oh no, is it coz of my mind, is my mind rationalizing, argh God, i'm trying, i'm trying my hardest to open my heart. And as I struggle with what a hug really means, haha, I realise that harder than i am gripping Uncle Peter, whom i dearly love, is his grip on me. And that just broke through my heart. I felt God show me through Uncle Peter His love for me. How God cries over me even when I'm just standing there. How God holds me closer and tighter than I'm holding onto Him. And it just breaks and reaches deep deep into my heart. All this while I've always/often felt that I've had to hang onto God for dear life, that if I let slip, if I let go, if i'm slack in my QT, if i sin and fail to confess or turn away from my sin, that if i were to loosen my grip for just a bit, God is going to disappear and slip away. But no, all through my life God has always been holding me closer, tighter, dearer, even when I'm just clasping onto Him, when my hug is not quite a hug at all, God is hugging and holding me nearer. I guess i've never had the depth of God's love demonstrated that way to me before.

I guess the other major part of the ministry was letting go. Letting go of certain people and issues in my life. The biggest, the hardest, the most painful was letting go of my dad to God. it was quite amazing because I didn't even realise it at all. When the prayer counsellor went through forgiveness and I prayed the prayers of forgiveness for various people, we realised that forgiveness wasn't quite the issue (or at least the Holy Spirit hadn't chosen to surface it and I went through the prayers fine). So reinforcements came through Aunty Christina. haha. Through the Holy Spirit's leading we identified that I had been carrying the weight of my dad's salvation upon me, and that's a burden I'm not meant to bear. I must want and desire and do things for my daddy to hear and know Christ, but i can't be responsible for his salvation, that's God's work, God's task. (we are called to preach the Gospel and make disciples of all nations, but not to save people, that's what Jesus does!) And it's true. If there's one thing I want more than anything in this life, more than my own physical life i think, it's that I want my dad to be saved. Of everyone. next the rest of my wider family, but i guess daughters have a special spot for their dad and I love my dad very very very much. That still is my heartfelt desire, one of my biggest and lifelong desires till the day it happens.

Half-day in school today, EOPT tmw and that's it for short postings! Moving on to radiology for a week and O&G thereafter till year end!

I feel God has/might be putting something upon my heart but we'll see how that goes as I pray and seek Him about it (has to do with a special day. hahaha). I thought of this verse today:
⁸"I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God.  -Luke12:8

I was thinking in clinic today what it means to love God. Christians say that all the time and in some ways, Christianity can be summed up by the 2 greatest commands, which is to love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbour as yourself. (Matt22:30-31). But what does that really mean? we all love to say we want to love God more. And that's good and that should always be our prayer.

Then I thought as I looked at the ring on the consultant's finger (I find doctors are often very proud when they're married, i suppose because life gets so hard and tough at times so family is a great source of repose and meaning to them. just my humble observation), if I were in love with someone i would want the whole world to know, I would want to tell everyone i knew. That's why weddings are big events, it's a public declaration of love between 2 people. You wear a wedding ring to signify that you're taken so that other people won't come prying after you or your spouse. haha. Anyone would find it strange if a man or woman did everything to conceal that he/she wasn't married, you'd think this person is out fishing for an affair. And the same goes with Christ. If we truly love Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, then we'd want the whole world to know. We wouldn't be ashamed. We'd want to splash it on every street and corner, not because we have a mission to spread the Gospel, which we do, but because we just want to, because that's what it means to love. And yeah, maybe it's God and so it's not romantic love, but surely our love for God can't be secondary to the love and affection and strong feelings of passion we have for another person? that would make love for another human idolatrous!

And then I thought, you know, when you love someone, you don't give up. I'm thinking of this because lately I've been feeling and thinking that the Christian walk is one long journey. More than a marathon which is over in like 4-5over hours.  Sometimes I feel it's too long for me, O God, when will seeking after You, when will being purified and sanctified be over, I've just about had it (i don't mean this seriously of course, sometimes i'm close too though just being honest). Then I thought, isn't it funny that several of the things i love in life are long, continuous journeys that demand never-ending perseverance and persistence? Like medicine (endless journey, never-ending learning, barely any holidays! heh.) and long distance running. The medicine analogy really got to me because I never saw the parallel this way before. Medicine is long. And there are days when you wish you never entered medical school and wish it would all just end, knowing that that day will never happen. Not after you get your mbbs, mrcp, frcp, there is an endless amount to know in medicine and endless things to see. sometimes you envy your friends who are done with their degrees in 3-4 years and move on. You know the day you graduate with your mbbs after 5 years is only just the beginning of an even longer journey (the most apt clause that comes to mind is the Hokkien clause pengsan. hahaha). But that doesn't stop you from embarking on the journey, rather it keeps you going, the further you go, the more you want to know, to see, to experience because it's simply great. Doesn't mean there aren't bad days and days that you do give up on, but you rest for a while, you mope for a bit, and then you pick yourself up and you just keep going. You just keep going. A little like the Christian walk isn't it? Guess i felt encouraged after thinking it that way, for both my Christian and medical walk. If i can persist in Christianity, i can persist in Medicine and if I can persist in Medicine, though many days i feel like i want to give up, then surely I can persist in Christianity too. That's mighty encouraging to me. Back to love. When you love someone, you don't give up, you do all you can for that person, it is that person's happiness that is central to you, whether that person loves you back or not. Like a parent's longsuffering love for a child. Even if the child were to walk out and completely disown his parent, i suspect the parent (though parents are all human) would still love and pine after the child. Love isn't contingent on the other person's response. You just keep loving. And you'd do everything you can to have that person love you back. And that's what God did. God gave up His all. He gave us His Son to die on the Cross for us. That's love. Love at its highest form. Someone should totally ask me to share at a wedding. hahahaha.

I have two large, non-exudative tonsils staring at me from the back of my throat. It's quite amazing how a little lidocaine and chlorhex in lozenge form can bring such great relief and lift one's mood. I was quite surprised. I actually don't really believe in medication. Natural's always best. haha. I'm ok, I've just been sleeping like a log the past 2 nights and i didnt fancy standing for hours on end in a clinic so i got an MC. heh. I have not taken an MC in ages. really.

So it's been good. I guess this little period off school has been a nice and much needed reprieve and as my friend put it, maybe God just wants you for Himself for a while. That's a lovely thought. I've just been doing nothing at home. I still feel some degree of malaise so I can't quite put my head to studying, there goes the ENT book prize, haha, but i actually dont care for it. It's been good. I just sit around all day, make some music, think, ramble on and on to God. It's been a good time of stock-taking and reflecting on life. Digging up all the hidden and pent-up emotion and just letting God deal with them bit by bit. I think a lof of the time, I at least, run into problems because I don't take enough time to do an internal cleaning out of my heart and soul with God.

There is so much upon my heart and mind. When has there never. It's a bit frustrating at times, God, I didn't ask to think or feel so much all the time, ok not all the time, just a lot of the time. You made me this way. Hence my verbosity and never-ending stream of thoughts. I've been reading tons. I finished 4-5 books in the span of 4 days. haha. Yes.

I was thinking of William Cowper today again. For some reason I'm very much taken by his story and the beautiful hymns he's written. And I was thinking today, what did William Cowper spend his whole life doing? And it struck me, he spent his whole life struggling with knowing whether he was saved or not. Gosh. That nearly floored me. That's what his whole life was about? I mean, he wrote hundreds of hymns and i'm sure he did other stuff, but in essence, i think that's really what his life was about if i could so humbly postulate on this. Wow. And i thought, that's quite erm a sad life struggle isn't it. To spend your whole life struggling with whether you are saved or not. (it's also because he had to battle depression and all) But I guess that's what made his life beautiful? That he just struggled with that, that in his one major struggle and battle of life, he just continued to press into God, he persevered in well what would seem like the most basic struggle of a Christian, whether we are saved or not. He could've jolly well said, You know God, i've had it with depression and feeling like i've lost my mind, i'm giving up on You, i've had enough of the Gospel, some hope some life. But he didn't. He persevered. I wonder if William Cowper knew that his life would be used so mightily, that his hymns and his story would continue to touch and inspire countless generations after him. He's regarded up there alongside John Newton, George Whitfield and John Wesley. I wonder how he must've felt when he died. He might've felt like there was not much that God might use out of his life (maybe he didnt but i think if i were him i might feel that way, just humbly postulating of course). But God works in mysterious ways.

From the standpoint of adventure or politics or public engagement his life was utterly uneventful. The kind of life no child would ever choose to read about. But for those of us who are older we have come to see that the events of the soul are probably the most important events in life. And the battles in this man's soul were of epic proportions.

I guess sometimes we look at life and we're like is that really it? And yes books out there say it isn't really it, there's so much more, depends on how hungry we are for God, how much we obey etc. etc. Which has some truth in it. And yet, sometimes i think we are as faithful as we humans can be, and we really try our bestest, is it because our bestest isn't enough? Maybe, but God uses what little we have for His kingdom right, two fish and five loaves, two copper coins, faith as small as a mustard seed? I'm just wondering, how many of us will really do great and fantastic things in this world. I hope all of us do, but really? We cant all be saving millions of people's souls right coz there wouldn't be enough people for all of us to save millions of people. And it can't be that people who are out there saving millions of souls are so special or impossibly close to God. maybe. maybe they are that special and the rest of us folk are just not good enough. But I think we are all called to be faithful, and above all, He has shown you what is good O man, to love mercy, to act justly and to walk humbly before your God (Micah6:8). If only God would teach us to have the humility of William Cowper (ok of Christ ultimately). to trust and give glory to God for His sovereignty, that whatever lot He gives us we will find contentment, and that we would be contented with the knowledge that above all we are known by God. I'm not saying we should be content and not hunger after God. I think we must, always. But that even though we are aware that maybe we should be striving for more, that there is more of God to be had, to be sought after, to be thirsted for, we should live in the contentment of the present, that we have Christ, that Christ is an all-sufficient sacrifice and we stand justified each and every moment because of His blood. I guess it's a tension between desiring more and yet knowing we are called to be content. It's sort of like the tension between wanting to die and be with our Father in eternal paradise and yet being thankful that every day we live is by His grace and a gift from Him above. I would totally say frankly that many times I wish I could die right now. To see Jesus, to end the miserable suffering and striving on this earth as we battle daily with the flesh. And yet of course I am thankful for all i have. I don't really want to die now, I feel like i do want to see and live more and yet there's a part that longs, that just bleeds for eternity. Now. now. heh.

I'm not quite a poet, but I love what John Piper says about poetry in his reflection on William Cowper.

I think the reason for this is that I live with an almost constant awareness of the breach between the low intensity of my own passion and the staggering realities of the universe around me, heaven, hell, creation, eternity, life, God. Everybody (whether they know it or not) tries to close this breach—between the weakness of our emotions and the wonder of the World. Some of us do it with poetry.
There is a deep release and a relief that comes when we find a way of seeing and saying some precious or stunning reality that comes a little closer to closing the breach between what we've glimpsed with our mind and what we've grasped with our heart.

I guess that's why I write. At length at that. Then again not that i write very well and it absolutely frustrates me everytime I want to convey something deep upon my heart and find myself at a loss for words or the right expression to do so. I feel so inept. But what's said above is true, we are merely trying to convey something so deep and profound within our hearts, of course our words can't fully capture that. That's why it's called wonder. Our wonder of God, of His Creation, His beauty, of life, of people. it's great. I'm so thankful for this break, for the chance to just savour one's emotions, one's thoughts, to just stop and smell the roses for want of a better expression. haha. Sometimes I ask God why I seem to think so much. Someone once said I think and feel too much. hopeless deadly combination. Some people remark casually at times, don't think so much or why do you think so much. As if it were a crime to. I can't help it! And I agree, at times I should think less, just be lost in the moment. And it's true, how often I struggle so hard with my mind and heart and I look around me and ask, erm God, is there something wrong with me. But i guess we're all made differently, each according to the measure of faith God has given us. And your thoughts never end, hardly ever. I think there is/will never be an end to what we can think of suffering, poverty, God, life, politics, science, creation vs. evolution etc. etc. But I guess maybe that's why God blesses us with things like poetry and literature and scientific research i guess. hahaha.

This is the other lovely hymn by William Cowper. I guess at times I look at life and my own life and I gasp in exasperation, God what exactly are You up to!! And sometimes God just smiles with that knowing expression on His face. I know what I'm doing. Sometimes it feels like you're just ambling through life and you're like, ok God, now would be a good time to know where I'm headed or what exactly You're up to. And He just replies, keep going:) Urgh.  Father, how am I supposed to walk when I don't see the purpose of any of this!!!!  Keep going. ok. fine. Oh Lord, that You would teach me to really trust You. To trust You when I see not the end point in front of me, to trust You when I walk through the valley of the shadow of death and all I have are but Your rod and Your staff. Father teach me to know and find comfort in Your rod and staff. Father, teach me that Your grace is truly sufficient for me. Not my works, not my perceptions, Father, even when things seem hopeless, Father may I know the hope and joy that comes from knowing that my Maker walks with me. Father, help me find true contentment in every circumstance I find myself in. Father, help me be thankful and joyful always. Father help me for I cannot do this on my own. Father help me to know that You walk with me each and every day, each and every moment, that You never leave me nor forsake me. Father, that because You are with me I can live and walk each day, no matter what life brings. Father, I don't know what the future holds, Father so often it seems so uncertain, so unlike what I want, but Lord help me to know that You are always at work and that I can surely trust in You. And when it seems like I've messed up and things are beyond repair, help me to have trust and hope and know that You do work in mysterious ways and help my wandering heart and mind find their true rest and peace in You. In Your precious Name I pray, Amen.

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. ¹³ Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. ¹⁴ For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (Eccl12)

It should be remembered that even the best of people leave much to be desired, and we must not expect too much . . . Do not allow yourself to turn away from people because of their imperfections . . . I have found that God leaves, even in the most spiritual people, certain weaknesses which seem entirely out of place. -- Francois Fenelon

I have been very touched of late by the hymn There is a fountain filled with blood written by William Cowper. The story is below. I found it off http://www.truthinhistory.org/there-is-a-fountain-filled-with-blood.html. heh.  I imagine a man struggling with depression, struggling with such strong and intense emotions and thoughts, and in the midst of it having the victory, the peace, the inspiration of the Holy Spirit to pen a humble and yet glorious testimony of our Lord's goodness and all-sufficient sacrifice. It's incredibly humbling and yet uplifting listening to the hymn. A wonderful acoustic version (i don't really like the traditional renditions of it. heh.) is found here. http://www.truthinhistory.org/there-is-a-fountain-filled-with-blood.html. If only we would be so humble as to allow God to use our humble circumstances for His glory. In our pain, in our anguish, in our sinful imperfect states, every broken home, every broken life, broken ministry, God's mercy and grace can be evident, God's goodness and love can be manifested gloriously for all to see. If only we would let God use our broken circumstances for His glory. I think God is found in overflowing churches, in huge Gospel rallies, in Hillsongs CDs, heh, hmm, but I know He's also found in the humble, contrite heart that turns to Him, the heart that is humbled because of brokenness, because of weakness and haplessness.

Isa57:15-16
For this is what the high and lofty One says—
       he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
       "I live in a high and holy place,
       but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
       to revive the spirit of the lowly
       and to revive the heart of the contrite.

 ¹⁶ I will not accuse forever,
       nor will I always be angry,
       for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me—
       the breath of man that I have created.

⁹To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: ¹⁰"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. ¹¹The Pharisee stood up and prayed about^[a] himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. ¹²I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'

 ¹³"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'

 ¹⁴"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Mark4:71-72
⁷²Immediately the rooster crowed the second time.^[a] Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice^[b] you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.

A beloved hymn by William Cowper born in the midst of mental anguish, yet was destined to become the "redemption anthem" of the Church. A beloved hymn born in the midst of mental anguish, yet it has become an anthem of God's redeeming love.
 
In examination of the spiritual meaning and passion of the songs and hymns that have been a part of the Christian church both past and present, there are some hymns that possess that rich quality of spiritual value that deserves being considered ‘anthems of God's grace and redemption'. One such hymn is "There is a Fountain Filled With Blood", written by William Cowper the English poet and hymn writer.

William Cowper (pronounced "Cooper" by the English) was born in Great Berkhamstead, Hertfordshire, England, on November 15, 1731. He was privileged to be born into the home of an English clergyman while his mother was from a prominent family of English royalty. In preparation for his life's work, he was educated in private schools as a small child and at Westminster School, earning a degree in law. With that degree he later passed his bar examination and was licensed to practice as a solicitor in the lower courts of the English justice system.

In spite of his intellectual achievements, William Cowper was physically frail and emotionally sensitive throughout his childhood. One of the traumatic experiences that contributed to his emotional instability was the death of his mother when he was only six years old. Unable to properly deal with this grief that he experienced as a small child, it stayed with him throughout his life. He never stopped grieving for his mother. Even though he passed his law examination and was licensed as a lawyer, the very prospect of appearing before the bar for his final examination frightened him to the extent that he had a mental breakdown from which he never recovered. As a result, he never practiced law, but preferred the study and writing of literature. Added to the anxiety of his bar examination was an unhappy love affair that resulted in an unsuccessful suicide attempt. He was, therefore placed in an insane asylum for a period of eighteen months.

While confined in the asylum and suffering from prolonged periods of deep depression he would spend much of his time in reading the Scriptures. Remembering his spiritual upbringing as a child and his concern for the eternal destiny of his soul, he struggled with the question of his salvation and peace with God. One day, while reading the Book of Romans, he was confronted with the words of the Apostle Paul who said:

"For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God; being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus: Whom God set forth to be a propitiation (satisfaction) through faith in his blood, to declare his righteousness for the remission of sins that are past, through the forbearance of God" --Romans 3:23-25 

While admitting his need of personal redemption and the sufficiency that is in the shed blood of Jesus our great Savior, being convicted by the Holy Spirit, William Cowper realized a personal relationship with Christ and a sense of forgiveness of sin. He, therefore, was gloriously converted at the age of thirty-three years old in 1764.

"But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ."

--Ephesians 2:13
 
After partial recovery of his melancholia and mental depression, William Cowper moved into the home of a retired evangelical minister named Morley Unwin. There he received the necessary spiritual encouragement and very patient care at the hands of Rev. Unwin and his wife Mary. After five years Rev. Unwin died and his widow decided it best at the request of Rev. John Newton, to move with her family to Olney, England. William Cowper was invited to move with the Unwin family to Olney and to attend the parish Anglican Church pastored by Rev. Newton who was the author of the hymn, Amazing Grace.

The LORD said, "... and when I see the blood, I will pass over you ..."

--Exodus 12:13
 
While living in the Olney Parish, William Cowper lived in a small house whose backyard joined the parsonage yard where Rev. Newton and his family resided. Here at the Olney Parish, Newton and Cowper became very close friends and worked together in the writing of religious poetry for the services of the church. Rev. Newton became a spiritual father to Cowper and a real source of needed inspiration in helping him overcome his spells of religious doubts, mental depressions and emotional morbidity.

Even after Cowper's conversion, he endured several periods of time when he seriously doubted the love of God for him and his security as a believer.

Both Newton and Cowper were very talented poets and writers of religious verse and with their combined efforts produced the famous Olney Hymns. This book of 349 hymns became one of the most important contributions to musical worship in evangelical Christianity. Among the 67 hymns written by William Cowper while living at Olney under the patient care of Mrs. Unwin and spiritual inspiration of his pastor John Newton, the hymn that testifies of his final peace with his Savior stands out as one of the anthems of the church and a monument to the sovereign grace of God. While sitting alone one day at his desk in his little house, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and with the words of the prophet Zechariah (13:1) fresh in his mind, he began to pen these comforting words:

There is a fountain filled with blood
drawn from Immanuel's veins
And sinners plunged beneath that flood
Lose all their guilty stains

The dying thief rejoiced to see
That fountain in his day;
And there may I, though vile as he
Wash all my sins away

Dear dying Lamb, thy precious blood
Shall never lose its power
Till all the ransomed church of God
Are saved, to sin no more

For since by faith I saw the stream
Thy flowing wounds supply
Redeeming love has been my theme
and shall be till I die

When this poor lisping,
stammering tongue
Lies silent in the grave
Then in a nobler, sweeter song
I'll sing thy power to save

William Cowper penned these words not long before his death on April 25,1800. It was at the writing of these words that he became aware of the efficacy of Christ's complete atonement for his sins. Several years later Lowell Mason (1792-1872), an American living in Boston set William Cowper's words to music.

In spite of his mental depression, emotional melancholy and spiritual doubts, God used the experience of one man, William Cowper, to pen the words that have been an inspiration to the church for two hundred years. These words have been used by the Holy Spirit to encourage many saints and a call to wayward sinners to find their peace with God which can only be found in that "fountain filled with blood, drawn from Immanuel's veins".

After a while, I have given up trying to understand God. I don't mean by this that you don't search the Scriptures and pursue God and grow in knowledge. That's really important. I mean it in a practical, day to day living sense. When things happen or situations unfold, i think it's alright to question, but after a while, you just know God is smiling down upon you, He's got that grin that says, I know it all, I know what I'm doing, just trust me. And you stare back incredulously, trust You? when the path looks like that, when You call us to a task and the people You should provide are like that? righttt. But He is right. heh. And after a while as you learn to let go, you somehow see His brilliance and humour and greatness in it all.

 

I happen to be reading this book on this lonesome Monday morning. I spent most of Sunday sleeping so i'm awake at this unearthly hour. It's entitled The Hidden Smile of God.

 

There is a certain irony to the fruit of these afflictions. Bunyan's confinement taught him the pilgrim path of Christian freedom. Cowper's mental illness yielded sweet music of the mind for troubled souls. Brainerd's smoldering misery of isolation and disease exploded in global missions beyond all imagination. Irony and disproportion are all God's way. He keeps us off balance with his unpredictable connections. We think we know how to do something big, and God makes it small. We think that all we have is weak and small, and God makes it big. Barren Sarah gives birth to the child of promise. Gideon's 300 men defeat 100,000

Midianites. A slingshot in the hand of a shepherd boy brings the giant down. A virgin bears the Son of God. A boy's five loaves feed thousands. A breach of justice, groveling political expediency, and criminal torture on a gruesome cross become the foundation of the salvation of the world. This is God's way—to take all boasting off of man and put it on God. "Not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth; but God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong, God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. . . . 'Let him who boasts, boast of the Lord'" (1 Corinthians 1:26-29, 31, RSV).

 

Ok God, I'm really going to give up/learn to give up. I'm going to give up reasoning with You and bargaining over how things are done. You just do things as You will and though often I don't understand, I'm going to wave the white flag on my intellect, on my know-it-allness, on my boxing up of You because of my limited mind and faith, i'm not going to limit You and Your ways, I'm going to let You surprise me because I know You know how to do it best and in the wildest and most unimaginable of ways. Because You are good, because You are loving, because You are insanely creative and inventive, because Your ways noone can fathom or comprehend, because You are glorious. Amazingly so.

 

I like this very much:)

 

Mental health is, in great measure, the gift of self-forgetfulness. The reason is that introspection destroys what matters most to us—the authentic experience of great things outside ourselves.

 

I wonder what psych textbooks have to say about that. haha. 

 

You cannot study pleasure in the moment of the nuptial embrace, nor repentance while repenting, nor analyze the nature of humour while roaring with laughter. But when else can you really know these things? "If only my toothache would stop, I could write another chapter about pain." But once it stops, what do I know about pain?

 

I shall open my eyes and ears. Once every day I shall simply stare at a tree, a flower, a cloud, or a person. I shall not then be concerned at all to ask what they are, but simply be glad that they are. I shall joyfully allow them the mystery of what Lewis calls their "divine, magical, terrifying, and ecstatic" existence.

 

When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable. . . . Oh, for holiness! Oh, for more of God in my soul! Oh, this pleasing pain! It makes my soul press after God. . . . Oh, that I may feel this continual hunger, and not be retarded, but rather animated by every “cluster from Canaan,” to reach forward in the narrow way, for the full enjoyment and possession of the heavenly inheritance. Oh, that I might never loiter on my heavenly journey!

I am in love with this book. haha

 

 

 

May my heart beat only for You.

It was Holy Communion Sunday today. There was this little boy dancing and playing around the altar area during the offering song. He was playing with his dad's handkerchief (?) and draping it over the barristers which people lean on when they kneel to pray. The first thought which entered my mind was, oh how cute, little boy playing oblivious to the altar... the thought of which was immediately followed with the thought, what?! there is a little boy playing so brazenly near the altar, does he know where he is treading on? Earlier I had needed to place the worship leader's song sheet on his music stand and already i gave it a double take as to whether i was allowed to step into the inner part of the altar area. What is the boy's parents doing! Shouldn't they have kept a closer watch over their son so that he wouldn't have wandered into the sacred area! Well, cutting the story short, Pastor then proceeded to rub the boy on his head and bypass him on his way to the pulpit to ask the congregation to sing the doxology, so i reckon it was alright. heh.

I guess the whole incident reminded me of this passage. And also how as prim and proper adults we have learnt so much decorum and yes respect and all, but oftentimes we've lost the child-like faith, innocence and wonder in approaching our Heavenly Father with free abandon, we've lost the wonder and amazement of His goodness and grace that He gives us freely. We become cold, punctilious, snobbish adults, too prim and too proper to go quickly and in full confidence to our Heavenly Father out of a 'holy' and 'reverent' fear. And it is important to have a holy and reverent fear of God, yet that fear shouldn't drive us away from Him, it should drive us all the more towards Him.  Unfortunately I think I lean more on the adultish side and I suppose this is a reminder, an exhortation perhaps from God Himself to run to Him as my loving, ever-caring, ever-protecting Heavenly Father.

 ¹³Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.

 ¹⁴Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." ¹⁵When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.

 

I just came back from my grandma's birthday! She is a grand old 82. Wow.

It was really quite nice. I like big family gatherings. I don't always like them, typical Chinese family, you get along and you don't. But this year was really sweet. We had a cake this year for her. We don't always have cakes because that's so western and you already have the shou pao (pink lotus filling pao) which i think is the Chinese equivalent. But it was nice. Dad (second eldest son) and my first uncle flanking her. Third uncle doing a weird dance with the pink serviettes (he wasn't drunk, had to send his family home as well) which was erm, funny to watch. Much laughter and happiness around the tables. You could see tears well up in my grandma's eyes as we all sang happy birthday in mandarin to her. It was quite emotional. You see, that's why after all these years, i still think I want to do Geriatrics. I still do, it's in my heart, I don't know why exactly, but i know it's in my heart. I felt like crying and hugging my grandma just seeing the look of joy and gladness on her face. She is one remarkable lady. To have lived til 82 and beyond, to have 8 children (and 19 grandchildren, no great grandchildren yet although i'm sure there'll be some sometime soon), to have grown up in poverty and shifted over from China with my granddad, making a living from working on the farm, ekeing out enough to send your kids through school and university. She is one tough woman, which explains why at 82 she is still hale and hearty and incredibly agile. Assisted by total knee replacement(s) of course. I guess when you've lived till so long all you want is to see your family happy, your children grown up and living good lives. So many things actually become unimportant and i think only the basic stuff matters, like good health and a decent living.

My second eldest cousin is getting married in 3 weeks' time. I'm really looking forward to that. Even though after a while, weddings seem kinda the same (sorry), i guess it being your cousin's wedding makes it very special. I really love this cousin a lot. She's such an excellent role model and a woman after God's heart. She's the only believer in her family, got to know Christ because, so my mum says, her neighbours were AC boys and shared Christ with her and so one day she decided to step into church and has never looked back since. Life hasn't always been easy for her, or anyone, but i'm so glad that God has provided and blessed her with a Godly husband and that her patience in waiting has paid off. She's really played an integral part in bringing the extended family together.

I miss my granddad a lot. A LOT. It's been so many years but somehow I still keep him close to my heart. Even though i never really knew him very well given the language barrier. i was recollecting on the car ride home an incident when i was young, when i had lost a set of home keys that my dad had just given me. i still remember it as clear as sky, it was the keys to our metal door and had a soccer ball keychain attached to it. My dad was fuming and I was beaten for losing it. I remember crying badly on our stairs and my granddad came to pick me up and hold me in his arms and told my dad to back off. heh. And obviously granddad wins coz he's my dad's dad. I guess I always knew that though language separated us, I always had a pair of loving and protective arms in my granddad. Which was why seeing him debilitated and cachexic during the final days of his life were very very difficult times for me. that was a very difficult year for the extended family. My granddad passed away on the 4th day of CNY, and 7 or so months later my youngest aunty passed away. I always asked God when I was younger why my young aunty had to die, why loved ones who may not have received Him had to die. Don't have any answers to those particular questions, but somehow over the years the answers have never seemd that important, i still know God is in control and God loves my family and extended family very much and that I can put my hope and trust in Him even when things don't seem to make sense or seem to be according to our definition of what good is. But the past few years have just been filled with weddings, with many more to come i'm sure, for the family. Good and happy times. I reckon weddings are very important to Chinese families, and rightly so, they are most certainly a great cause for joy and celebration. My ah-ma's always beaming at them and it makes my heart leap when i see her happy.

In other news, I think i'm going to book my flight for the night of the first day of CNY. I was considering flying up earlier to spend some time relaxing and seeing london, maybe head to a few of my friends' colleges to spend quality time with them. But seeing how I've tied myself down to a geri elective up till CNY eve and though i could fly up that night to give myself more time to travel, in light of dinner this evening i think it's a good thing to be around for CNY itself and to go for my extended family's lunch at grandma's. Think it'll mean a lot, to me and the family.

Oh Lord, grant me an obedient and hungry heart for You. Grant that I will not be satisfied with having just a bit of You, may I desire more, may I delight in what pleases You. May I delight myself in You. Lord, I pray for those around me who do not know You.  I pray that they may come to know You. I pray that You would also give me the patience to know that all things happen according to Your good and perfect plan. Not always or often according to our human timing, but surely in Your timing. Father, the salvation of others is a spiritual work that only Your Holy Spirit can do. Father, I acknowledge this full well. Father, sometimes it feels so frustrating and annoying telling people about You all the time and feeling that it goes nowhere. Oh Lord, Your Word does not return void, and yet Father, this is Your work, Lord, You send the rain that causes the seeds to grow. Father, i lift my extended family into Your hands. God, it's been years, more than 2 decades of my life and even longer for the time my mum's been married to dad. Oh God, i'm so afraid they might pass on without knowing You. Oh God, i'm terribly afraid. Father, i'm afraid for my own earthly dad. Father, I cannot imagine or accept that we might be on opposite sides of heaven Lord when this life and earth passes away. Lord, I can't accept it. But Father, I pray You remind me and show me that I am but a woman, that I am but human, Father that though it is my responsibility to share and witness, Father, the responsibility of their salvations is not mine, it is Yours. Father, that You are at work, for You are always at work. Father, I surrender my fears and anxieties at Your feet. And Father, You know I have many. Many many many. But Lord, teach me each day to surrender my fears and uncertainties to You, that I might walk in the peace and joy that You call us to walk and that You died to buy for us at the highest price. Oh Lord, i'm surrender myself to You. Thank You that whatever we ask according to Your will in Jesus' Name You will grant to us. In Your holy and precious name I pray, Amen.

I've been thinking a whole lot these few weeks. I can be looking at my textbook, "studying" but spending half, if not most of the time stoning as thoughts and feelings fill my mind. Not sure whether to laugh or cry. heh. But i suppose i'm indulging myself because i know it's short postings now so i can cut myself a bit of slack. just a bit.

So in all this thinking, I love how I look at the world, at the things around, I look into my mind and the minds of others out there, and i still come to the happy conclusion that God is out there and that we all need His Son and that the great and wonderful thing is that we do have His Son and He is ours each and every day. I love how after all the mental dissecting, digestion and formulation, I still find myself intellectually and mentally brought back to God. I love it. Putting my faith and heart and everything aside for just a moment, I think I could never ever be an atheist or an agnostic. I just couldn't. I'd be too afraid, maybe because I'm rather insecure/curious/enquiring, I find I can't accept the big holes and gaps that all other belief systems/scientific theories/logical deductions give me. Not that religion is completely logical and has every step in place, even though i find that to me at least it's really quite there,  there's obviously an element of faith. As I told my friend frankly and from the heart, you can't see God. period. You can "see" Him of course, and sometimes the invisible is even more tangible and real than the visible.

But at the end of it all, I find myself still coming back to this. That all the knowledge and intellectual reasoning and searching for God is nothing like knowing God and having a personal relationship with Him. Nothing compares to have a living relationship with Him. That isn't always easy quite frankly, relationships never are. But any human would tell you i think, that relationships are priceless, indescribable.