Many things on my mind. I should be sleeping. haha. Yes, i stay up late thinking about stuff when I should be either sleeping or finishing up the long obstetrics case report.

I'm struggling with faith. Not doctrine and I totally believe and know that Jesus is my Saviour and that He died to set me free from sin and death. That's all good with me. God has been good, it's been good sharing about Jesus with people. I'm struggling with faith and the reality and context that we live in. Perhaps I'm not praying enough or searching the Scriptures enough, but I just need to articulate this for sanity of mind.

Right now i feel there isn't enough teaching on being a Christian in the 'modern' context. I don't mean to use modernity as an excuse for things or as a cop out, but i seriously mean it. Sometimes when you read Christian literature, and there are many good books out there, and even God's Word, I find it hard to apply it in deeper and increasing measures where I am. I mean I do and God's Word is relevant and sharper than a double edged sword for any season. But seriously, I feel that many Christians are not empowered these days to serve out their calling in life for God because we don't know how to find God where we are. Big example that I was discussing with friends today, lots of people in our church are loaded. Loaded. That's an unavoidable fact. And often we either judge people for being too comfortable with their money or we end up feeling guilty ourselves. We hear about the mighty work God is doing in prisons ministry, in some part of SEA, in missions etc., but for the most part, majority of well-meaning, faithful Christians  (ok so i speak for what i observe and i could be totally wrong) resume going back to their normal jobs, wondering if they are missing out on some measure of God's power in their lives or beat themselves up because they aren't seeing the same things like people in full time ministry. And yes there is some teaching and there are verses, verses on righteouness, on not having unequal scales, on loving the poor etc. etc., but I guess i feel there could be so much more. We could have so many more powerful testimonies of how to exercise faith where we are. It may not be that dramatic, but it is faith nonetheless. I was reading a Charles Spurgeon entry on poor women in developing countries who essentially spend their lives ekeing out a living. Are they doing much for God, on the surface it doesnt seem so, i mean they aren't like telling people about God all the time or serving in this ministry or that etc., but them just working day in day out and not succumbing to the temptation of selling their bodies for easy money is faith. It's not like 'dramatic', 'spiritual' in appearance, but it is a strong faith nonetheless. Issues like being in the finance industry, civil service, medicine, law etc. God has given us so much and i feel that people need to be equipped to use it for His kingdom. And I feel that people are willing, we just don't know how or can't see how sometimes. Ok i guess i'm feeling this sort of dissatisfaction because I'm contemplating YAM and well my life. Next year will be interesting going on exchange. It's been interesting seeing doors shut and open in my life. I really must thank God for the research opportunity that's coming up. We need to fulfill a research requirement as part of our electives and for the longest time I had trouble finding one. I was pretty crushed when the one I was depending on because she's a personal contact of mine didn't reply. Crushed and frustrated. And God has made an amazing provision right now. i had also always thought I wanted to work in a particular hospital all my medical school life. Great hospital environment, great dept i hear, near church, near my home. But looks like the doors are opening to somewhere else, which i don't mind and which I'm quite looking forward to because of the various hospital changes that will come in the future with the expansion of our healthcare facilities to meet the predicted grey wave. Interesting. Interesting.

Oh yes and a good book I would recommend at this point is John Stott's Issues facing Christianity today. I havne't read much of it yet but it seems good. Thanks Daniel, i still have your gift from 2004:) (my goodness, it's been 5 years already!)

Lord, help me to find You in my every day life, in the normal and the small things because Lord I know You are there. Lord, there are no great people, only ordinary, humble, small people who have a great God. Lord, may our focus not be on ourselves, but may it be on You, the author and perfector of our faiths, may it be on the finished work of the Cross. May our hope be found in You and You alone, that we are saved from a redundant, meaningless life headed for eternal destruction solely by the blood of Christ.

Father, I thank You that truly You who did not spare Your own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will You not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things (Romans 8:32)? I thank You for Jesus. Lord, may we not glory or boast in anything else but the blood of Christ. May we not look to our own selves to get through this life, may we depend upon You to provide for all that we need, above all because You have provided us with a direct way to You, with totaly and complete reconciliation to have a living and active relationship with You which is the sole thing that man needs. Father I thank You for Your Son. May You continue to refine and purify us to be more like Your Son, not because we need to be justified since we already are by the blood of Christ (Heb10:22). In Jesus' name i pray, Amen.

Often I wonder what it means to live for Jesus, what it means to carry our crosses, to deny ourselves. I wonder whether we do enough for Christ, whether we love Him enough. Because seriously, sometimes life in Singapore seems so comfy and sometimes i feel guilty and bad for being comfy. I'm not saying that being comfy is necessarily a bad thing because God provides for His people, but sometimes comfort isn't a good thing. Although when I look around me, though we are so comfortable relative to so many billions of others in the world, the truth is, i doubt people can remain comfortable for too long, because suffering abounds in the world, whether you are from the developed or developing world. maybe we don't have high infant mortality rates, maybe we dont suffer natural disasters in singapore, but we have our own fair share of problems. who has never had a loved one pass away, who has never had people close and dear to you suffer from debilitating illness, it may not beinfective diseases like in the third world, but cancers, neurological disease, DM, stroke, cardiac disease etc. etc. are just as scary if not more because they often tend to be more prolonged than infective diseases. But sometimes i wonder, people are going to jail, burning or dying for Christ, erm, what is 1st world Christian me doing for God. I think we shouldn't take our comfort for granted, i think God does call us into areas of discomfort at various points in our lives, i think physical comfort is one thing, we also have our fair share of emotional and spiritual trials and struggles. but today whilst hanging out with my best friends over dinner and yummy yummy chocolate cake i just felt this sense that really God is in our daily lives. Sometimes the greater challenge is finding God in the normal, in the every day. Not that we shouldn't desire for greater things because i believe there are seasons for greater spirituality and the sense of the divine. But i think every waking moment can and is a divine moment if only we were more aware of it. Like what clare shared about Brother Lawrence. I can be flipping an omletter and that is for Jesus. I can be sitting on bus 171 and that is precious time with Jesus. I can be clerking patients, not evangelising, just clerking, and that is Jesus. I can be lunching with my CG mates, and that is for Jesus. Jesus is with me everywhere, all the time. At my cousin's wedding, looking at my cousins, my dad and his siblings, my grandma and her siblings, all these random uncles and aunties i only see at large extended family events like these, I was just reminded that I am part of this larger family tree. I am someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's CG mate, someone's friend, one day someone's doctor etc. etc. and i will do well to do my roles well, to daily abide in Jesus so that i may be His love and light to these people whom He's placed around me. not 'great' spiritual stuff here, it's just living every day, but no less important in God's eyes. I come home and my parents are arguing over religion again, usually i just sigh and let it be, i used to complain tons and maybe feel bitter about it, but you know instead of complaining or feeling helpless, I feel led increasingly to turn to Jesus and to implore Him to help me as a daughter show love to my parents, to love them for who they are, to alleviate the great concerns and burdens they carry as parents of our household. Yes to tell my daddy about Christ when opportunities arise, but you know, start with being a good daughter first, start by loving, start by caring, by helping out around the house so that they have fewer issues and problems to deal with. To manifest the love of Jesus in whatever way i can, small and 'big'. I think all God's saints are actually 'normal', it's only that we have a great and extraordinary God. Amen to that.

Stop blogging lif! Ok, but i've got good stuff to share so must blog and testify right.

Lately, I've had the privilege of bringing a couple of prebelievers to a seeker/beginner BS started by some friends. I didnt actively seek out to bring these people, they just happen to be my friends. So it's not my effort or great heart in evangelism that resulted in me bringing them, it was just sheer convenience i.e. God arranged for it.

I wrote in a previous blog post about how faithless I am. I can sms someone and think this person ain't gonna come, I can do everything you shouldn't do and yet the person can come. And that's true. But i'd say that the truth is, it's easy for the human heart to want to take some credit. At least I msged right, nobody else did. I mean surely I must've played a part in it. That's how evil and depraved our hearts are, that we should even seek to take even a morsel of glory from God.

And today I was so humbled, amazed yet again by how good and amazing God is and how really, really, really, absolutely, nobody can boast before God. Noone. Noone is righteous. Not one. If even the prophet Isaiah cried out woe to me before God, what more all of us.

So prebelieving/Christian/I don't know but not impt i'd say coz God's at work friend emails me in respone to me saying, i'm so sad, i'm so sad, my electives are so unsettled. i.e. my heart today was horrible, i was feeling lousy, crappy, didnt quite want to pray until just now, not at all trusting that God will provide and that God is in control. I mean I know He is obviously, but it's so incredibly annoying and hard to wait for electives to be settled given that I dutifully submitted my applications months ago!!! Months. And God totally used her to show me that true prayer is made from the humble and contrite heart, precisely the prayer that says, my faith is so weak, God who am I that You would even listen to my entreaty. And God showed me how great my friend's faith is compared to mine, me who's walked quite some years with God already. I just wanted to dig a hole and hide myself in it and never come out. Sometimes it's so easy to think i've walked with God for quite a while, I've been thru this and that and done this and that for God, i'm quite a decent Christian. I'm not saying we shouldn't be discerning about where we are in our walks, it's a mighty scary thing if we mistake darkness for light and mistake ourselves to be in the light when we are actually in darkness. But really, I just thought, if I stand right next to my preblelieving/don't know but God's at work friend, I would not dare say at all that my faith measures up, worse of all that I might think it does out of pride rather than anchor myself soley upon the blood and grace of Christ. I'd say that perhaps before God my friend is held in even greater and higher esteem for her simple and trusting faith, for her contriteness and humility, as opposed to my self-righteousness, my pride that says, hello God look at what I've done, hello God haven't I stuck it in all these years, haven't I served You and born all the crap and suffering along the way, hello God, look at how deep and intense my prayer is, hello God, I think I deserve to be heard by You (gasp! but it's true:( ). How God has to break down our pride continuously, every second of the day. I feel like laughing though, laughing at how good and amazing God is, how He shows His people that truly, really, noone shall boast before God, noone can claim to have any righteousness of his own before God because we can't ever do that. I am not a good person, I am not a good person, I am wretched, evil and depraved, saved only by grace, only by grace and the only good thing about me is that my God is good and my God is loving. No man can boast before God, and we'd better make sure we aren't caught doing just that. wow.

Stop writing lif! study O&G. study study study.

Ok anyway, I'm so joyful and happy now. So happy with Christ and His love and grace. I was just thinking to myself how honestly, honestly, and if you know me you know this is veritably true about me, I often live my life based on a checklist. Walking with God? check. How do you know that? talking to God, not just perfunctorily, but earnestly, deeply, with true sincerity and contrition? check. witnessing to others? check. desire for holiness? check. growing in the Word? check. Reading good Christian literature? Check. confessed outstanding sins. check. were u nice to your mother today? check. were you nice to your siblings? check. have you been faithful in ministry? are you keeping the ministry in prayer? praying for your dad's salvation daily? and on and on the list goes. oh and just so i'm not legalistic, remember that you're only saved by grace and only enter into God's Presence by His blood and not your own righteouness? check. evidence of not being legalistic - joy? check. Yes, i'm sorry, i'm like that. I have checklists in life. Is so and so happy/has their needs met? task 1 to whatever. is life is nice happy balance that stems from the overflow of your heart? Checklists aren't bad.

But really, really, really, at the end of it all, we are saved only by grace. period. forever and ever amen, we are saved by grace. by none other. That's why i love songs like that mandarin song zhe yi sheng zui mei de zu fu (the gift of knowing You) because it simply and yet profound encapsulates the truth of Christianity. The greatest blessing is knowing Christ. The first day you knew deep in your heart that Christ died for you and how He redeemed us from the grave, the tears that welled up in my eyes when i first savoured in my soul the goodness and trueness of grace. It's like honey to your soul. The tears of thankfulness, of gratefulness of knowing in your heart how Christ has done so much for you and done what you don't deserve and will never ever deserve. So here's the conclusion to be learnt as quickly as possible though i think we'll never stop learning it:  we are saved by grace and grace alone, so stop trying to earn it or merit it or do stuff to justify yourself (speaking to myself here). Mandarin rocks. maybe I should switch to mandarin service. hahaha. I'm always amazed how the smallest, the humblest, those who esteem themselves not are the ones who experience God's grace and love most. Not us uppity, think we can earn God's love, think God is found in humongous ministries, in the complex structures and theories we try to build and construct (i'm not saying these aren't impt!). All I know is that Jesus loves me and He's my friend and that's all I need.

Äã ÃÇ µÃ ¾È ÊÇ ±¾ ºõ ¶÷ £¬ Ò² Òò ×Å ÐÅ £¬ Õâ ²¢ ²» ÊÇ ³ö ÓÚ ×Ô ¼º £¬ ÄË ÊÇ Éñ Ëù ´Í µÄ ¡£ Ò² ²» ÊÇ ³ö ÓÚ ÐРΪ £¬ Ã⠵à ÓÐ ÈË ×Ô ¿ä ¡£

I'm doing obs & gynae. It's been a bit stressful but interesting. It's amazing seeing and delivering babies, bringing new birth and life to this earth. It rekindles in me the wonder of life once more, the awe that every breath we have and take is truly a gift from God. Life and family, important things that we often take for granted. I nearly wanted to faint when seeing my first delivery and seeing how bloody, brutal and painful it is. I always knew that women were the stronger gender, so there. heh.

But it's not all fun and joy and drama in O&G. Fetal abnormalities which are absolutely heartbreaking, sexual abuse, gynaecological cancers and disease, young, young patients with stage 4 disease, my own aunty died of a gynae cancer when i was young so it's very personal to me. Perhaps because women are more emotional and gynae stuff involve hormones, you see quite a few patients crying in the wards. It breaks my heart. Suffering breaks my heart. I remember thinking, and surprised by what ran through my mind, whilst gazing at the little bundle of joy whose mum laboured really hard to get him out, is it really a joyful thing to be born into this world when it is a world filled with great and incomprehensible suffering and evil?

I like what clare shared at my bday, it's so easy to grow cynical and aware of the realities of life as you grow older, to think what does it matter if i did this, what does this really do against the monolith of suffering and difficulty in this world. But i think it starts with one. it starts with entrusting our five loaves and two fish in the hands of the One who can truly help and who already provides a way to Himself.

I was back in MG this morning. The MG chapel felt so serene and peaceful. It felt like such a safe place, a safe place in an at times overwhelming world. It was nice feeling like a little child again. Feeling safe and shelthered in God's love. How easy it is when we venture further in life, as we grow older and the concerns of being an adult creep in, to forget that our Heavenly Father provides us with a refuge and hiding place (Psalm 91). How we can venture in this world, facing up to its great suffering and many incomprehensible sorrows with and through His love. No mind could ever comprehend suffering nor find comfort for it or in the midst of it. I think it can only be found in God's love.

Distracting myself by looking through our medical ethics readings for our test this thursday. Yes we have a written test on ethics. Quite interesting. Tort law, common law, looking at case suits which set precedents for things...

I'm a little bereft of emotion at this point, but I love what my friend wrote about deliveries:) sometimes you wonder, is all the pain and trouble of the Christian walk worth it, is all the struggling and grasping worth it. I just did a search on labor on gospelcom.net. heh. It's quite amusing, many many times when the Bible describes pain, they use it to parallel that of a woman in labour. I totally believe in natural delivery, no painkillers if possible. I figure that if you're able to get through that, then well other pains in life won't be able to compare isn't it. The privileges of being a woman and pregnancy. haha.

²⁰I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. ²¹A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. ²²So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

However the highlight was this particularly mum that went through 12hrs of labour and 3hrs worth of i believe 100 over grade10 painscale contractions..you could literally witness all the whole spectrum of human struggles in her, of wanting to give up in exasperation and tears, of pushing at her very best thinking its her last contraction, of screaming in anger at why her baby is still not coming out, of begging in helplessness after such a long long delivery. It was so painful to watch, i just told myself no way am i doing normal vaginal delivery in the future, i want a C section. But finally when the baby came out after 3 hrs, i was just clutching on to my friend so tightly and wanting to cry, cause looking at the baby i could witness the mothers effort paying off. i was there feeling so honoured that i saw the birth of a child thats going to go through lifes ups and downs, decisions and dilemmas, love hate and emotions for the many many decades to come, and i was there at the beginning of it! And i love it so so much!! i think i can do it a million times and not get sick of it.

After witnessing the two types of delivery, saddistically i came to the conclusion that i want a normal vaginal delivery. Somehow the whole process of going through that torturous pain for few hrs just appeals to me. heh..

Anyway if one day..it ever gets too tiring...i shall always remind myself of what ive seen and felt today."

Father, I just feel like praying. My heart is so heavy for my extended family. So heavy Lord. Father, I love them very much. I love them. In some ways Father, I don't really know them very well. I could know them so much better, but I love them very much because they are my family. I was looking at photos in our living room, when i was 5, when i was 17, when HY got married. Father, how family members have passed on and others added. Lord, thank You for families. Thank You for my family. For the 5 sons and 3 sisters on my dad's side. Father, I love my grandma so much, I love her so much. She's so dear. Lord, it brings me great joy seeing her glow at weddings, seeing her happy. Lord, her life hasn't been easy, but I thank You for sustaining her all her 82 years of life. But Father, more than earthly happiness, more than the happiness of having a large intact family is the happiness of knowing You that I desire for all of them. Father, I want to pray for my 4th uncle and his family. Father, they came to know You randomly one day when You moved in their hearts to just step into church and receive Jesus. Father, I believe they received You into their hearts. But Father, for reasons I do not know they have fallen slightly off the path. Oh Lord, won't You in Your mercy draw them back to You. Father, would the still small voice which prompted them to receive You in the first place speak to them yet again and draw them back to You. Father, I pray that You would send Christian brothers and sisters around them, be it in their neighbourhood or their workplaces or schools, or us, their extended family, to bring them back to You. Father, may what they saw at SM wedding remind them of Your love and faithfulness, may they be moved to seek You back again. Father, You are the One who ultimately draws souls to You, Father, please, do it for Your Son's Name, that the Name of Jesus may be lifted high in their lives and in our extended family.

Father, I want to pray for SM. I thank You for her wonderful wedding which we all greatly enjoyed and were blessed by. I thank You for her faith all these years, I thank You for moving in her heart when she was 15 to pop by church and to receive You as her Saviour. I thank You that despite being the only believer in her family she has chosen to soldier on and stand on You. I thank You for bringing SY into her life. I thank You that they both waited patiently on You and that truly You have made all things beautiful in Your time. I thank You that they have both chosen to consecrate their marriage to You. Father, would You bless them richly, mightily. Father, would Your covenantly love to the church be manifested in their marriage. Would their marriage draw others to You. Father, You know that marriages are not easy. Father, when they both are without strength, when the going gets tough, when they wonder why they walked down the aisle in the first place, Father, would Your love above all sustain them. Would You see them true and I thank You that the confidence of marriage to last the road lay not in ourselves but in You, in Your unfailing love and goodness, in Your faithfulness. Thank You Father.

Father, I pray that You would show me how You are working in my extended family and what You would have me do to share the love of Christ with them. Father, I thank You for the opportunities to konw my cousin's a bit better over the years. Father, give me courage to get out of my comfort zone, to show care and love, to share the love of Christ with boldness. Father, help me for I cannot do it on my own. Father, above all help me to know that I am dearly loved by You and hence all that I do is not to win or merit Your love, but is merely out of the overflow of Your love in my heart and life. Father, remind me that above all You are the Good Shepherd. As You have shown me time and time again in my life, it's really not what i do. You don't need me to witness to people, You can do it directly Yourself. But thank You that You delight to use Your people out of Your mercy and goodness. Father, thank You. Father, help me to be a good testimony in my own immediate family in the first place. Father, help me to honour my parents, not because they are always deserving, but simply because this honours You. Father, help us to bear with one another in Your love. Father, You know how as family members it's so easy to step on each other's toes. Father, I thank You for family, that reminds us how human we are, how much in need of grace we are, how really we are no good apart from You and Your grace. Father, help me to extend grace to those around me not because i am good or Christianly, but because I am in need of grace myself and because You give me grace freely and abundantly. Father, when my heart is angry or impatient, still my heart with Your love. Father when I am anxious, help me to be still and know that You are God. Father, when I see things that don't agree with my conscience or values or Your Word, Father, help me to be slow to anger and to speak, but to abound with love because Father, that is how You are towards us. Father, help me to hold out You love and mercy in every circumstance, to every person. I know You will enable us to.

Father there is much upon my heart and there are needs which are crying out for Your love and Your presence and touch. Father, sometimes I feel so overwhelmed going through life like that because I feel so utterly helpless and useless. And I feel like condemning myself when I can't seem to do anything about it or I seem unwilling or deficient. But Father, teach me to cry out to You for such things when I see them because there can be no better or higher or greater or more effective thing than to cry out to the One who can truly help such situations. Teach and convict me that it is truly prayer which changes things, not my boldness in action, though we must arise when called, not my words or loving touch, whatever that means, though these things are important, the best thing we can do is to cry out to You. Father, thank You for prayer. I would die without it though often I tarry before coming before You. Teach me to tarry less and run to You faster and in everything. Thank You for the peace that comes when I offload my concerns and worries to You and leave it at the foot of the Cross. Lord, there is much suffering, erm sometimes I complain that I suffer too. But really, what is our suffering compared to what Christ has gone through. Father, help us to stand the trials and test of life by relying on Your grace and grace alone. Not our faithfulness or righteousness or holiness or hunger or whatever because these will all fail and be found wanting. Father, show me that truly I stand on no other but the rock of Christ. I stand on the Mighty Rock of Christ and hence great is my hope and great is my joy in this life and world that is full of sorrow and imperfection. Father, my joy is in You and You alone. Thank You.

 

I'm back from my cousin's wedding dinner. i have my work cut out for me. got to prepare a sharing for some event tmw, need to clean up my obstetrics history for case presentation tmw. but i just wanted to jot down some thoughts.

The wedding dinner was lovely. I've been to quite a few weddings and so after your first few wedding's are a little similar. heh. sorry. but this was really nice and sweet, perhaps because it's my cousin so it's someone precious to me, but i was also very moved by the love between the couple. i didnt realise my cousin was that old, heh, hm, and i'm just amazed how she waited all those years for her husband; and also how her husband waited and how they found each other. (my cousin's more than a decade older than me. heh) they seem so perfect for each other so it was really nice. Just before we left the cousins got together to do a yam seng. we haven't done that in ages. i think the last time might've been when i was 15 years old at a CNY dinner or something like that. it was quite sad though finding out that one of my cousin's families had stopped going to church. lately witness and outreach have been pretty strong upon my heart. Not because we Christians have that mission, which we do, not because we need to be doing stuff for God, which we do and don't, but simply because I love the people around me too much. I love them because they are so lovely and wonderful, because they bring so much joy and love to my life. And because I cannot wish or yearn for anything greater for them than to know the love of Christ, than to know the One who made them and in whom is found all meaning and life. I don't know what i'd give to see my dad, my brother, my cousins, my aunties and uncles saved. I just wanted to cry in the car ride home thinking of the possibility that some of my loved ones won't be in heaven with me. I'd hate that so much, it breaks my heart even just thinking about it. It breaks my heart so much. I want those i love to know God, because I love them much.

I think it starts with making an effort to love and be there for them. I've often complained how I'm not that close to my cousins. So start asking them out for lunch, start being involved in their lives, start making the effort to strike up conversation. Make the sacrifices and make the time needed to be there. And above all pray and cry out to the only One who can bring them to Him.

I should be sleeping because there's O&G QA tmw, but I can't coz I keep thinking of God's goodness.

It's been such a delight seeing people around me come to know the Lord, or take steps towards that. And i will boast of how faithless I am and how faithful God is. I can sms a friend and think to myself, this person surely won't come for this. I can have so little faith that I just walk off after class and miss the person's call because my hp's always stuck in some unaccessible part of my bag, and the person just turns up at the event. God really doesn't need us to reach out to people. He doesn't. He can do it on His own anytime and probably more efficiently too. But He delights to, He delights in sharing with us the joy of having someone lost to be sought out and found again. It's really true, that He would leave the 99 sheep in the pen to go in search for the 1 that is lost. That when one lost soul is found, all of heaven is rejoicing. God really doesn't need us and yet He desires to draw close to us.

I also happened to eavesdrop on a Bible study whilst studying at some benches in school. I really didnt want to and was more annoyed that the Bible study was intruding into my studying space. heh. But it was such a blessing hearing it. The guy shared how we are ultimately vessels for God, it matters not so much what we are doing for God than what He is doing in and through us. We are but vessels, the more broken, the less appealing, the better. And vessels get no glory, all glory belongs to the Lord. He then said that sometimes in ministry people come up to praise/encourage you. They'd say, thank you for sharing, I was so blessed. And sometimes the pride in us just swells and thinks we are good. But at those times he's convicted by the Spirit and he said "at such times I really know I'm not a good man, I know that if i look deep into my heart, I'm really not a good person, it is only that my God is good." I wanted to cry/fall to my knees/run away and hide. So much stirred in my heart when I heard that. That's one man who really knows Jesus. If only in our churches more and more would say that it is not that we are good, because we know that if we looked even just beyond the surface of our hearts, we are not good, not good at all. It is only that God is good. It is only that God is good. If only we would focus less on ourselves, our hang-ups, our failures, our needs, our disappointments, wants/whatever, and more on God. On His love, on His faithfulness, on His goodness. None of us are good, it is only that He is good.

And I thought, this guys is probably a perm staff from Campus Crusade? I can barely remember his face, I don't know his name. Do the founders of CCC know him? probably not. Will he ever be as big as the founders of CCC, will he preach to thousands or even hundreds, how many people will he bring to the saving knowledge of Christ? I don't know. maybe a lot, then again maybe few. And as far as I can tell, he is a nameless, anonymous person who is known by just those around him. What is he doing? Discipling 3 Christians at a bench in NUS. perhaps he does that day in day out. Will he do 'great' things for Christ? I don't know. but I think in my heart that this guy is very great in the eyes of God, that this guy might never be remembered in Christendom or write books or have his biography written and passed down through the generations, but this humble chap is great in the eyes of God and above all known by His Maker. It reminds me that God doesn't see as man sees. So often we measure Christian 'success' by worldly standards, we see the church through worldly eyes. But God doesnt see that way, man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. What may seem small is great in the eyes of the Lord if our hearts are tender to His love and just poured out for those around us.

Oh and I just remembered whilst lying in my bed earlier how great the love of Christ is. Why I want to do geriatrics very much has to do with my time caroling as a little teenage girl. i remember one incident vividly. We were going to sing for some old folks in an old folks home. Being one of the few who can string words together in mandarin I had to introduce the caroling group to the old folks. In what stuttering mandarin i could master (not familiar with the terms u see) I said, good afternoon! we're a bunch of carollers from BRMC and we're here to sing some Christmas carols for you. We're here essentially to tell you that Jesus loves you and we hope to share that with you all through our songs. Jesus loves you all. Jesus loves you all. And as the words ye su ai ni barely came out of my mouth, this frail looking old man sitting in a chair started crying. Tears streamed down his face even before we started singing. He was sobbing. That's how great and real the love of Christ is. it's real and freely available to those who recognise their need for it. And it really wasn't me because all I did was to just say 3 words, i mean how minimalist can you get, it's just 3 simple words that anyone can utter, anyone! it wasn't a lengthy sermon explaining the depth of God's love, no profound examination of what loves really means. It was just 3 words. 3 simple words. but the most powerful words there ever are. It really strikes and humbles me how it really doesnt take much to receive the love of Christ. I mean, if it did then we're all done for right. and best of all God pours it out precisely on the neediest, the humblest, the smallest of the small and lowest of the low because they are the ones who know how amazing, how different, how out of this world the love of Christ is. How it is unlike any other. I can still picture that old man in my mind, how he just wept when the Lord showed him how much He loves him. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life. Lord, that You would show us how great and deep is Your love and how great and deep is our need for it. I think you can know love, and you can know love. You can know about Jesus, and you can really really know Jesus, it's whether we are willing to open our hearts to Him or not. No amount of intellectual persuasion or reconciliation will bring you to Jesus, you just reach a point when you make that choice to receive or not. Father, open our hearts to You each day. each day.

I have sooooo much to be thankful for. So much. Too much for me to put up though i will try. God has been so good. Ok fine in many ways it's circumstantial but so what, it's a good thing when God works in our circumstances especially in ways that you know couldnt have ever been brought about by your own strength or will or righteousness.

Went for my cousin's wedding today. It was nice. First Christian wedding in the family of our second oldest cousin. She, and I, was worried that our relatives may not turn up/find things weird, but the whole extended family turned out in full force. They all seemed quite enchanted with the ceremony and the various symbols and representations of the covenant of marriage. I wasn't sure if my dad would go but he was the most enthusiastic of us, waking me up at 215pm to go when the ceremony was at 330. heh. It was really touching. Whilst waiting for the ceremony to start I felt a bit sad/awkward, not really sure what to say to my relatives, mulling over how it seems like we have made so little inroads in telling them about Jesus. and then my cousin behind just randomly asks, so what church are you all from? my eyes nearly popped out. I thought I'd never hear them ask such a thing ever. Oh is it open to the public? [of course!!] It was really nice seeing my cousin's husband pray for her during Holy Communion, I shed a few tears as she thanked her parents and gave thanks to our Heavenly Father and her Lord Jesus for bringing her husband into her life.

I really love this song that was sung during worship. I really like how certain things are depicted so simply and yet immensely well in mandarin. It's so unabashedly 'simple' but true. It doesn't take a lot to know the love of Jesus, it's really one thing to know much about Jesus and another to know Him. I love the Mandarin service in our church, i go there and it strikes me as being so simple and yet the love of Christ is so there. it's so there.

Thank You Father, truly knowing You is my richest blessing in this life and the life to come. There is nothing greater or better or more worthwhile in this world than knowing You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Yw4EojopU&feature=related
ß@Ò»Éú×îÃÀµÄ×£¸£(The Gift of Knowing You)
ÔÚŸo"µµÄºÚÒ¹Ñe£¬ÎÒÓÃÐÇÐÇ®‹³öìò
When I see the star at night,
how my heart is drawn to You
ìòµÄ¶÷µäÈ糿ÐÇ£¬×ŒÎÒÕæŒ�µÄÒŠµ½ìò
And their light shines Your grace on me,
how I long to be with You
ÔÚÎҵĸè•Ñe£¬ÎÒÓÃÒô·û×"ÃÀìò
I lift my voice in praise
I will love You with my life
ìòµÄÃÀºÃÊÇÎÒ½ñÉúíž"P
For Your beauty and Your goodness never end

ß@Ò»Éú×îÃÀµÄ×£¸£
Nothing compares to knowing You
¾ÍÊÇÄÜÕJ×RÖ÷Ò®·d
You are the treasure of my life
ß@Ò»Éú×îÃÀµÄ×£¸£
Trusting in Jesus Christ my Lord
¾ÍÊÇÄÜÐÅ¿¿Ö÷Ò®·d
My richest blessing in the world
×ßÔÚ¸ßɽÉî¹È
In the valleys or on high
µk•þ°éÎÒͬÐÐ
You are with me all the time
ÎÒÖªµÀ£¬ß@ÊÇ×îÃÀµÄ×£¸£
Thank You Lord, for the gift of knowing You

13:1		我 若 能 说 万 人 的 方 言 ， 并 天 使 的 话 语 却 没 有 爱 ， 我 就 成 了 鸣 的 锣 ， 响 的 钹 一 般 。
13:2		我 若 有 先 知 讲 道 之 能 ， 也 明 白 各 样 的 奥 秘 ， 各 样 的 知 识 。 而 且 有 全 备 的 信 ， 叫 我 能 够 移 山 ， 却 没 有 爱 ， 我 就 算 不 得 什 么 。
13:3		我 若 将 所 有 的 周 济 穷 人 ， 又 舍 己 身 叫 人 焚 烧 ， 却 没 有 爱 ， 仍 然 与 我 无 益 。
13:4		爱 是 恒 久 忍 耐 ， 又 有 恩 慈 。 爱 是 不 嫉 妒 。 爱 是 不 自 夸 。 不 张 狂 。
13:5		不 作 害 羞 的 事 。 不 求 自 己 的 益 处 。 不 轻 易 发 怒 。 不 计 算 人 的 恶 。
13:6		不 喜 欢 不 义 。 只 喜 欢 真 理 。
13:7		凡 事 包 容 。 凡 事 相 信 。 凡 事 盼 望 。 凡 事 忍 耐 。
13:8		爱 是 永 不 止 息 。 先 知 讲 道 之 能 ， 终 必 归 于 无 有 。 说 方 言 之 能 ， 终 必 停 止 ， 知 识 也 终 必 归 于 无 有 。
13:9		我 们 现 在 所 知 道 的 有 限 ， 先 知 所 讲 的 也 有 限 。
13:10		等 那 完 全 的 来 到 ， 这 有 限 的 必 归 于 无 有 了 。
13:11		我 作 孩 子 的 时 候 ， 话 语 像 孩 子 ， 心 思 像 孩 子 ， 意 念 像 孩 子 。 既 成 了 人 ， 就 把 孩 子 的 事 丢 弃 了 。
13:12		我 们 如 今 仿 佛 对 着 镜 子 观 看 ， 模 糊 不 清 （ 模 糊 不 清 原 文 作 如 同 猜 谜 ） 。 到 那 时 ， 就 要 面 对 面 了 。 我 如 今 所 知 道 的 有 限 。 到 那 时 就 全 知 道 ， 如 同 主 知 道 我 一 样 。
13:13		如 今 常 存 的 有 信 ， 有 望 ， 有 爱 ， 这 三 样 ， 其 中 最 大 的 是 爱 。

I've had a somewhat emotionally trying week. For various reasons. Didnt realise how drained and sapped I was until I sat down in God's presence this evening. My soul was just so parched and dry. But I thank God that we can enter His presence always because of the blood of Christ. I can't find that quote now but in his book called growing deep in God, Rev. Edmund Chan wrote something about how prayer isn't about what it costs us, it cost God everything to enable us to pray. How true.

Various things upon my heart again. But God is good. As i awoke from my nap today, I kept having this image of angiography playing in my mind. Seriously. It was the angiogram that I saw on Thursday in which they inject dye into the patient's arm and take radiographic photos using fluoroscopy. The body's entire vasculature lights up. I kept thinking to myself, what's this about. So weird, why am I thinking of an angiogram. And then I felt God say to me, this is how deep i know you. Ok, it is just an angiogram, but God knows us deeply. He knows us right to our very core, our very inmost being He knit and formed together. In the Bible, the word know has various meanings in Greek. One of which, the deepest form of knowing is used to describe sexual union between a man and woman, that's the deepst and most intimate form of knowing. And that's the word know that is used when the Bible talks about knowing God. to know God so deeply and intimately. And best of all, God knows us that deeply, yes even unto the extent and far surpassing the knowledge that a man and woman joined in sexual union have of each other. God sees me for whom i am, He has vision even greater than X-rays, CT, PET scan etc. He knows me fully, completely, totally and He loves me, that's why He sent His Son to die on the Cross. It's so amazing. So beautiful. i know I woke up again from a nap one day this week and suddenly felt alone. So alone. I mean I have friends, many good and great friends whom I'm blessed with, and yet i think there's a part of our soul, a large large part that only God can fill and only He knows. And the wondrous and best news of all is that we do have a God who does know us and loves us as we are.

I think we really need to pray more. I need to pray more in my own personal life. I need to hunger more. One thing though, one thing that I want more than anything in the world, besides Jesus, is for my dad to be saved. For some reason I just have this sense. Christina told me as HIS ministry that she knows my dad will be saved, she doesnt know when or how, but she told me she believes he will be. I think God has helped renew my belief that my dad can and will be saved. I think after maybe more than a decade of praying for him my heart might've gone cold and lost that sense of hope and belief. But I think God has renewed that hope in me. More than anything in the world I want daddy to be saved. I do. I'd give anything (i think) for him to be saved. I want it so much. I was just remembering today how as a young primary 5 girl when my relationship with God was at best patchy, I had this sense one day, just one random evening, of what hell was like. I just had this picture and sense of what it meant to burn in hell. And i broke out in cold sweat. Cold sweat. i couldnt sleep, I think I cried, I just froze and was so scared. And then i prayed and begged God to save me. I remember thinking to myself, I'm pretty sure my mummy's saved, she's such a good person and talks about Christ all the time, I'm not sure I am saved. And so it is for my loved ones who aren't saved. I know I'm saved but that also means i know that those who aren't face a spiritual reality of separation and eternity without God. 

hm. Various things upon my heart. But, good things to share.

Went for our little meddies Bible study today. We happened to be looking at Isa53 and my pre-believing/believing/not too sure but it's ok coz God's at work friend tells me "wa, it's so moving how much Jesus did for us." That totally struck and humbled me. There I was feeling rather tired from the day, deep in thought about certain issues, feeling honestly a little nonchalant about Isa53 coz it's a passage that i do dearly love and so am pretty familiar with. It's such an archetypal passage to look at when considering Jesus isn't it. It's so amazing and humbling how God would use the faith and awe and unabashedly natural response of my friend to open my heart back to Him. Oh Lord, that I would be in child-like awe of all that You have done, to reflect the joy of knowing You and Your sacrifice on Calvary. But it's hard, it's hard when my mind looks at an issue and tries to wrap itself around it and analyse everything about it. heh.

Same, beloved friend of mine during my paeds rotation months ago, during a day when I was feeling rather down and weary from school and the world, turns to me and says "don't be sad lif" and writes "Jesus <3 U' on my lecture notes. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing how God pours His love into my heart in the least expected and most amazing ways. I'm so humbled and in awe.

I'm back from HIS ministry weekend. HIS is a TRAC lay education and development (LEAD) programme and stands for healing inner spirit. Its purpose is quite evident from its title. It's been a good week. A fabulous weekend spent with God and even the week beforehand just preparing for it. My eyes are puffy, my orbicularis oris muscles exhausted from all the crying, but it's been good. I assure you, my whole blouse was studded with tears which surprised me even when I noticed it.

I write perhaps for an audience, but mostly just for me to remember (so i like to think). I obviously have my own private journal and I don't put up every single thing on my mind on this blog, i don't think that's very wise. But nonetheless I try to be as open and honest and vulnerable as I feel led. Mostly to remember and gather my thoughts but also entertaining the possibility that the random blogreader might in some small way be encouraged and above all pointed to Jesus. And I think God uses us yes when we're strong for Him, but often in our weaknesses, in our vulnerabilities because that's when He is our strength and I think in life we are just humans wanting to relate to other humans with weakness and real issues and lives=)

So long preamble aside. So so much to share, but shall just write the salient and important ones. I guess the main thrust of the weekend is just how God poured so much of His love into my heart. So much, revealing Himself to me in such deep and amazing ways.

I responded at the altar call this morning. I was going to go up after hearing Rev. Koh's sermon on the Prodigal Father/son. When the call was made I hesitated just a little since noone was going up, but then the worship leader started singing How Deep the Father's Love for Us. That has been for a lot my life so far God's love song to me. I don't know, just that when I heard it first as a young girl, I just knew the Father's heart was in that song for me (well not just exclusively for me, it's for everyone, but it appeals specially to me). When i heard it tears just fell and I practically ran forward. heh. I bawled for like 3 seconds and then the tears just became a trickle. The prayer minister kept praying but I was like, ok, that's about all. I'm doing my best to open my heart God, but I think that's about it, can't force my heart open either can I. Then Uncle Peter comes to pray for me. I actually call him Peter coz he looks so young but his son's my age so best to call him uncle Peter. So Uncle Peter prays and I still feel a bit emotionless, trying to open my heart but I just can't. He keeps sniffling and I'm thinking, erm ok maybe he's got a slight cold, poor thing. Then as the prayer ends I look at him and he's crying. And I'm like, oh no, please don't, don't waste your tears on me, please please, i dont even seem like i'm responding, oh no, i feel so bad. And he next asks if he can hug me. I know Uncle Peter so of course. He's like a spiritual daddy to me. And what i think would be at max at 5 second or 10 second hug lasts for longer. The truth is, i'm not very good with hugs, i mean typical Chinese family, we don't do long hugs, just tiny embraces. I hug my girl friends and those are like 5-10second hugs max. And in the embrace i feel strangely emotionless/ok, feeling a bit weird now/i don't know what to feel. So i'm struggling. Oh no, is it coz of my mind, is my mind rationalizing, argh God, i'm trying, i'm trying my hardest to open my heart. And as I struggle with what a hug really means, haha, I realise that harder than i am gripping Uncle Peter, whom i dearly love, is his grip on me. And that just broke through my heart. I felt God show me through Uncle Peter His love for me. How God cries over me even when I'm just standing there. How God holds me closer and tighter than I'm holding onto Him. And it just breaks and reaches deep deep into my heart. All this while I've always/often felt that I've had to hang onto God for dear life, that if I let slip, if I let go, if i'm slack in my QT, if i sin and fail to confess or turn away from my sin, that if i were to loosen my grip for just a bit, God is going to disappear and slip away. But no, all through my life God has always been holding me closer, tighter, dearer, even when I'm just clasping onto Him, when my hug is not quite a hug at all, God is hugging and holding me nearer. I guess i've never had the depth of God's love demonstrated that way to me before.

I guess the other major part of the ministry was letting go. Letting go of certain people and issues in my life. The biggest, the hardest, the most painful was letting go of my dad to God. it was quite amazing because I didn't even realise it at all. When the prayer counsellor went through forgiveness and I prayed the prayers of forgiveness for various people, we realised that forgiveness wasn't quite the issue (or at least the Holy Spirit hadn't chosen to surface it and I went through the prayers fine). So reinforcements came through Aunty Christina. haha. Through the Holy Spirit's leading we identified that I had been carrying the weight of my dad's salvation upon me, and that's a burden I'm not meant to bear. I must want and desire and do things for my daddy to hear and know Christ, but i can't be responsible for his salvation, that's God's work, God's task. (we are called to preach the Gospel and make disciples of all nations, but not to save people, that's what Jesus does!) And it's true. If there's one thing I want more than anything in this life, more than my own physical life i think, it's that I want my dad to be saved. Of everyone. next the rest of my wider family, but i guess daughters have a special spot for their dad and I love my dad very very very much. That still is my heartfelt desire, one of my biggest and lifelong desires till the day it happens.