I really liked today's sermon. It was something that really spoke into my heart. I haven't been a very thankful person of late. In fact my fb status update was Lord help me be thankful at one point this week. And it's so true. At the end of service I just sat in the pews to be alone and quiet for a while and just prayed in my heart, Lord, forgive me for ever thinking that I live by anything apart from Your grace. Forgive me for fixing more on myself, what I do, my work, my walk rather than on You, the grace You've given me through the Cross and all that You've done for me. Lord, thank You once more for dying for me. Thank You for Your grace, help me to not think I could be thankful for anything more than the grace You have shown me.

I have been such a whiner and complainer for some time now, it's rather disgusting. Must repent. So often I slip into fixating more on what I do and myself rather than all that Christ has done for me. Lif, learn your lessons quicker! Remember, it's really not about you, it's about Him and all He's done.

So anyway, I wanted to write some stuff after having wonderul and interesting conversations with people this week. It's been a rather interesting journey of late. Not quite doing things I normally do, just 'relaxing', opening myself up to God in new and interesting ways. I think sometimes we put God into a box, we cast Him to be of a certain mould and then He comes to break down what we're comfortable with, only to expand and broaden our knowledge of Him. So it's been a bit weird, a bit uncomfortable, but good. Hm. I think it's quite heartbreaking seeing people live without God. yup. Really heartbreaking. And I feel added impetus to write after what a dear friend sent me about some korean model who committed suicide who had a blog that many people just fed off for voyeuristic purposes. The online/internet community/phenomenon is a really interesting one. Yes, so I was just reflecting after lunch with some friends how at the end of it all, I just choose to believe in Christ. Whatever life may throw at me, whatever people may say, whatever I feel or go through, somehow at some point in my life I just decided that life was meaningless apart from God and I choose to place my anchor, my all, my life in Him. I think good theology's important, I think being grounded is incredibly important, but i don't think that means necessarily that life won't blow certain winds or hurricanes at us that cause us to re-look what we believe in and know to be true and demand of us to make the choice whether in spite and in the face of everything that suggests otherwise, whether we will choose to believe in God, whether we will choose to believe He is good. And I do. I think no matter how close you are to God, ok I could be wrong, things in life happen which challenge your notion and beliefs and then you really have to decide if you will believe. Disappointments, pain, death of a loved one, hope deferred, dreams not fulfilled, fetal abnormalities, terminal illness in the prime of one's life. When these things happen, are we still able to say that all we read, all we proclaim, all we preach to others, are these true? And then it's up to the individual. It's quite sad because there are people whom you talk to and you know they've decided that they want to go on with life without God. No amount of persuasion, intellectual argument will bring about that change of mind. Will you or will you not choose to believe in God. After a while all I can do is listen, love and then just pray and share where and when I can. God knows, He knows where each of us are at, whether we believe in Him or not.

Hm. and I was reminded of something that happened in my life which I wanted to share. Lately I've been thinking about what spirituality means and what it means to follow God. I don't think it means being involved in ministry or telling everyone you know about Jesus. I think those things do happen as a natural outflow and are evidence of knowing God, but that's not what defines a Christian. Lately i've come to see that actually i think everyone whether they acknowledge it or not wants to have meaning in life, wants to feel significant, wants to feel they have contributed in some meaningful way to this world. Whether it is through raising a family and leaving an imprint of ourselves through our children in this world, whether it is through philanthropic work, or earning oodles of money, or even Christian activity. And I think God's response to me has been that ultimately we are defined by Him and how He defines us. It's not our activity necessarily that defines us, we have inherent worth, value, meaning because He created us to have those and He gives them to us. I remember talking a friend who did his undergrad and masters in philosophy and we talked about what the meaning of life is. I think he said something along the lines of it's impossible to have meaning because you need something with agency to impute meaning to something. And because we didnt create ourselves, objectively speaking, we can't give ourselves that meaning because we aren't the agents of our creation. And i was like, wow, that totally shows why there is God and why any meaning in life has to come from Him. Friend drew the parallel to how a pencil was created have meaning as a pencil because of the one who made the pencil, but the pencil itself can't give itself a meaning. only the external creating agent could impute the value into it. Yep. Exactly. meaing = from God.

Ok, i digress from my story. I wanted to share how when I was at the end of year 1 there was a time when I fell fairly ill. Life wasn't easy for me in year 1, i was grappling with things, trying to make sense of what I was doing, where I was in life/what I was here on earth for, holding onto God, but just by every ounce of grace He could give me. So somehow I ended up having pneumonia. I had a spiking fever which did not go down for 10 days and after starting oral amox (i wasn't that ill i guess, but ill enough for a generally healthy person like myself to be incredibly worried and anxious) I had to take my temperature at like 6hourly intervals to see if it was spiking and whether there was a downward trend. I'd wake up each day feeling like crap and I could barely muster the strength to just utter prayers for grace and help. And after several days with the fever not seeming to abate, I remember just crumbling inside and asking God what was happening. God, this is not funny. it's quite scary actually, God, where are You in what I'm going through. And I remember thinking to myself, what if I don't recover, what if I actually died from this. What if today as i knew it my life were to end Gosh, am I really ready to meet God. For all that I say, preach, teach in Sunday School, talk to my friends about, do I really believe that i'm going to heaven, do i really really know that. And I just cried and cried and begged God for mercy. And then at some point after being broken inside, I just knew inside that you know, I do believe in God, I do believe He died for my sins to save me, I do believe He is real and is risen today. I choose to believe and whatever becomes of me, my life is in His hands. I havent really thought back much to what happened that day many years ago, but it really was a time when my soul just really came face to face with the living God in a very real way. And i think that's how it is with us all, we will have to come to that point when one day we decide, is God real, do I believe in Him, do i believe that He died for me. Whatever people say, whatever my circumstances might tell me, do I believe He died for me so I might rise again to be with Him someday. And to that I say I do. With all my heart I believe Jesus died to save my soul and my trust is in His grace alone.

Garh, i pressed some button and so all the HTML formatting text is showing. oh well. i can't be bothered to alter it. heh.

<P>13 As a father has compassion on his children, <BR>so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; <BR><BR>14 for he knows how we are formed, <BR>he remembers that we are dust. <BR><BR>15 As for man, his days are like grass, <BR>he flourishes like a flower of the field; <BR><BR>16 the wind blows over it and it is gone, <BR>and its place remembers it no more. <BR>Psalms103:13-16</P>
<P>I've been thinking a LOT about life. I don't know why. I just have. <EM>God, can I please think about something else? Can I just be contented to mug my brains out with O&amp;G, i think i should too, the EOPT is how difficult and scary? <BR>Nope, that's what i want you to grapple with for now. fine.</EM></P>
<P><EM>So, what do you want for YAM? <BR></EM><EM>Erm... You know, I'd like to see this... and that... it'll be wonderful if all the young adults were.... oh God, wow, I can just see it, imagine it, it'd be so wonderful if we only were in such a state. <BR>Hmm. ok. So what if I don't make that happen?<BR>What? what kind of a question is that God? That's not something to joke about You know...<BR>No, I'm serious, what if I don't make all that happen for YAM?<BR>Wow.. that would erm.. stink real bad. yup, that would stink big time.<BR>So what's that to you? What if all that you hope and dream for doesn't happen?<BR>I don't know. guess i'll feel kinda crummy?<BR>Would you still love them?<BR>Who? the young adults?<BR>Yes them. Would you still love them?<BR>Yeah i guess... though...<BR>Though what?<BR>Though it'd seem like such a big waste of time<BR>Did i tell you to love them so that they would be changed?<BR>Erm. not exactly.<BR>Yup, i didn't. I told you to love them just because I do right.<BR>Har. that's quite sad. It's quite sad to just love without erm, expecting things to happen, just being honest God.<BR>Ya, but that's not the point. Do you think I love you to change you?<BR>Erm. maybe?<BR>Well no, I love you just as you are you know. Just as you are. Of course I hope you become more like me each day, of course I hope you grow in love for Me. But do you know that i just love you, purely, simply, just because?<BR>oh ok. wow. yeah. that's kinda nice God. never quite saw it that way</EM></P>
<P><EM>hm.. you know those people you've been trying to reach out to? what if I dont save them?<BR>Huh? what do You mean?<BR>I mean, what if those people whom you love don't get save.d You do remember that salvation is my work right?<BR>yeah i guess. i don't know. erm. that would stink again too.<BR>Yeah, but would that stop you from loving them?<BR>Erm, i guess not. it's not supposed to right i guess.<BR>yup, so. stop loving people with the view to change them or even to convert them at times. the end goal isn't to convert them per se, it's to love them. Converting people is My work. remember that yeah?<BR>hm. ok. T</EM><EM>rust me, depend on me. Remember, I'm in control k? I'm in control. Don't worry my child.</EM></P>
<P>It's been a season of just evaluating stuff. Just taking a step back and talking to God in an open and honest way. It's been good. Really good. Just sorting things out. Doing random things with God. Like waking up and hearing God say, you know I do think you're pretty right? Even if others don't think so, you know i do:) haha. Ok i added that last line in.&nbsp; (oh come on, all girls secretly want to feel pretty lor, although for quite a while now i've just not really cared how I look, it's too much effort, not like i have to dress up much for hospital anyway. HAHA) Just hearing God for the joy of it and not for any particular agenda or concern. Just hearing for the pure joy of it. it's been good. God's been bringing various people into my life and just showing me that He is really journeying with me. Just this week I laughed so hard on two occassions that I wanted to cry and my tummy hurt. One was during worship prac whilst talking to Adrian. I really wanted to cry as I laughed. You'd understand if you knew what had been troubling me. The other was during tutorial when my CG mate said something super funny and random. AC boys. such silly clowns. Lately I've just 'given up', God, You take control, You run things, I really don't feel like trying so hard anymore. You look after me k? And it's been good. Like how God's been providing rides home, haha, i mean it's so minor, but it's been good, I've really felt so looked after and cared for this week and not cause i've been 'good' or doing anything in particular to earn God's pleasure, i've just been surrendering/giving up. heh. Even just how tutorial started and ended late such that we just missed the flood along Bukit Timah although there was a huge jam because there was a string of cars that had stalled because of the flood. I realise it seems like we laugh so much less as adults:( Like how Nic and I were reminiscing about JC days, how simple and fun they were. Yeah. those were the days. Today I was just reminded of how I felt earlier this year. Looking from the balcony of some place, telling God, God, i don't know what I'm here on earth for. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why do I care so much about this, garh, where are You in this world!!! Why does life seem like this! And then there was this amazingly beautiful full arched rainbow. A humongous one. Humongous, from one edge of the horizon to the other. God, I don't know why I'm here but it is enough that You know why. It is enough that You are with me.

I've taken quite a liking to solitude lately and it's been good. really good:)

Just wanted to write about something that happened in clinic today. I was in my usual blase/blur mood this morning. It was rather cold and i had stuff on my mind. The MO in the clinic was really nice and funny though. heh. A woman comes in post-TOP. Fairly standard case, although it was for a fetal abnormality incompatible with life which is not very common. I was more fascinated with the fetal abnormality as well as thinking ok, how would I counsel someone on TOP for an OSCE, hmm, what are the post-op complications of TOP to look out for in this case?... But as i was getting a bit lost in my own thoughts, i started thinking, wait, something's amiss here. It wasn't really just a standard TOP case. I suddenly just felt sensitised to the woman's anguish and pain. She wasn't doing a good job hiding and the air was just rather tense. I could just sense a lot of trauma from the TOP. And so I prayed (i mean whilst standing up and trying my best to learn as much as the doctor talked to her). Felt rather helpless/useless praying. Oh God, I feel so helpless yet again in this world. And what does my prayer do, I don't feel like my prayers these days are particularly effective or full of faith honestly. Ok, but I will pray, I want to believe for her that Lord You are enough, that You see and care for her pain, even if she doesn't know You and even though I have no clue how this short little prayer in the clinic helps. God, i'm just going to share her pain from where I am, however little that counts and I'm just going to offer this weak little prayer up to You. It was quite surreal in a way because it was just minutes as I transitioned from being engrossed about OSCE questions and stuff about TOP and FAs to becoming aware of her state. And shortly after praying what little I could, I felt God say thank you for praying. I was just looking for someone to do that for her today. All I wanted was just for someone to pray for her. And that touched my heart really deeply. Sometimes we think that living for God and His kingdom is doing great and mighty stuff. Often it's hard to see how just uttering a prayer counts for anything, how our little actions make any impact given the overwhelming problems and issues in this world. There are times when I do think, what good does praying do really when circumstances never seem to change. Sometimes we think, ok, we can pray and talk but we must act and I think that's true. But it just touched me that sometimes all God is looking for is someone to just utter a little prayer for one of His hurting children. It touched me deeply that so often we forget that God is really taking care of people and looking out for them, even those who don't know Him. He is always at work. Often I look at the world and I feel utterly helpless, useless and overwhelmed. God, there is just too much suffering, too many problems. What's the use of anything? But God is in control, God is conscientiously at work and we shouldn't feel like we're here to solve all the world's problems coz we're not God (but be faithful to that which He calls you to.) I really needed that encouragement in clinic today.

Quite interesting because two random people in the randomest of conversations talked about life events. A friend said how going through seeing the intense suffering of a relative really changes you somehow. Another friend said that whether people acknowledge it or not, you are definitely changed by TOPs. Not passing judgment, just reflecting on life. Normal life events, but life-changing. whether child-birth, growing up in whatever families we come from, friendships, relationships, these are all part of normal life and have such deep and profound impacts on us? Hm. Having a close childhood friend die at 17 was quite life-changing for me. Remembering our carefree days in school, those mornings walking to our prefect duty spot and just sharing those moments with each other. Holding onto hope in the face of the diagnosis, holding onto hope through O's, through JC. Seeing my granddad during his last days, from the fit strong granddad in whose arms I always found love and protection to his bedridden state, needing to be moved to prevent bedsores, being in diapers and all cachectic. Having my aunt say, at least ah kong smiled when he saw you, those tiny shreds of joy and hope that you hold onto in the face of sickness and death. Because we're doing O&G i always think of my aunty who died from ovarian CA. I didn't really get to see much of it because I think my parents wanted to shield us from her suffering. We just heard occasional reports and then one day she passed away, just like that. It was a dark and rainy night when we went to see her casket and it just broke my heart, it broke my heart seeing my daddy put on his usual bravefront. I cannot imagine mourning for a sibling. I cannot. Not at this stage. In some ways i'm more emotionally detached about her passing since I didn't see her physically suffer, i wonder at times if it was a good or bad thing for my parents to have shielded us from that. Life events. Really change you. And yet there is a time and place for everything is there not? Why all this striving when life as we know it will pass away in a blink of the eye? Is it not better to love one another, cherish every day as precious, close your eyes each night with no regrets.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Eccl3:1-8

Hm. Sometimes I think I wish life could pass faster. I wish we could do away with various inefficiencies that just stall for time, I wish we could get to various goals and endpoints in the shortest possible time. But lately it's just been coming to me that it's really all about the journey. Like the 3hour second stage of labour I witnessed and not getting to finish my assist because it was converted to forceps delivery. 3 hours. imagine what I could've done with that time. I should've just gone out, have a proper lunch, chill and chat with friends or read up on something, but nope, I spent 3hours by the bedside of my primip. But that's life isn't it, yeah it kinda felt and seemed like a waste, but it wasn't because it's quite sad if medicine was just about coming in for that exact time and then moving mindlessly from case to case in the name of efficacy and expediency. That's why childbirth is so brilliant, because the labour is so long and painful and unpredictable. heh. Yes, i'm reconsidering my stand on epidural but even by the looks of it, it's still really painful even with the epidural, depending on varoius factors of course. haha. I'm dreaming about europe every day now as i count down to when i fly over. heh. I remember backpacking there earlier this year. I was a complete tyrant, i'd mark out everything there is to see and i'd get the whole bunch of us travelling together to each destination within the quickest time possible. It was quite amazing how much of paris we got to see. I know my friends were impressed. haha. But the best part wasn't that we got to see every nook and cranny of paris including the isolated jean d'arc statue, haha. the best part was just waiting for the metro, retiring for the night in a french-jap restaurant, sitting by the fountain in Rome. the slow bits, the bits when time stood still. bliss. absolute bliss. i want to go travelling again!!

Had by far one of the most interesting dinners in a long while. There we were, 3 of us, one in her 30s, one in her mid 20s, one in her quarter 20s (tts me!). And what should bring us together but YAM:) heh, but our heavenly Father and His love for us.

It's been a time of just thinking about where I am in life. I didn't choose to think about it, it's just something that started cropping up, inspired of God I hope. It's surreal, humbling, interesting listening to someone in her 30s talk about life, the issues, struggles, victories, excitement. There I was lamenting how we undergo so much change in our 20s, hardly any bit of life remains the same for even a few months. you're at one hospital one moment, rotated to another the next, your friends/groupmates change, stuff happens. old friends come and go, some get married, some die (ok not so, mostly their older relatives). And she who is 30+ says, don't worry, when you reach your 30s life is so routine you're praying that it won't remain so. It's so interesting and amazing talking about life and reflecting on the journey God's brought you through and continues to bring you through. Life is such a journey. one to be lived with wonder, awe, a sense of mystery as each day unfolds. I actually hate uncertainty in case that hasn't been clear.

Anyway, i'm pretty sure i'm applying to the States for May. yup. I'm not going to do the boring thing and do a local elective. eeps. heh.

I guess I look back (i sound like i'm 40 or 60) and it's been a hard journey at times but it's been a good journey. My favourite moments in life. many. many:) being in bangladesh this year. going through the streets with hoardes of people. having your heart break as street beggars come to the car begging for money, some with deformities that you'd never see describe in a textbook. learning diving. haha. snorkling in the south china sea, feeling like i'm really such a shrimp, a piece of plankton in the vast ocean, the awesomeness of the depths of the sea beneath you, the beauty of the strangeness of sea creatures and the feeling that you're really a nobody here on earth. nobody. how so often we think we're somebodies when we're nothing! climbing that mountain in year 2 and thinking that all i want is to die on the way up because it was so incredibly physically strenuous. i know, seeing both the big dipper, north star, little dipper (the northern part of the universe) and the southern cross (immensely beautiful and southern part of the universe obviously) in the same sky above the AC field. absolute beauty.

i will do well to stop and appreciate beauty more. especially those around me. my family's going to vietnam at year's end. yay. much to be thankful for:)

I had a real eventful day today. Yupp.

Had 2 deliveries that I was waiting for. 1 a multip and the other a primip (first birth). I missed the multip because I was with my primip. The multip was 6cm dilated 40minutes ago when I had checked and her baby was out within minutes! minutes. Great for her but boohoo for me=( But things happen such that you really know God's trying to tell you something. I had taken off my labcoat to put on the apron to prepare to deliver my primip so though the other students were incredibly nice to call me they just couldn't find me. I need only 1 more assist but my primip turned out to need forceps delivery so that doesn't quite count as a delivery. So after 1 and a half days in the labour ward I was just feeling rather upset and discouraged and frustrated and frustrated at being frustrated and not being joyful enough. heh. Oh God, am I trusting You enough. But it was good I guess because God's been using various people to just come alongside me and encourage me. Not to mention that I got a ride home today after fearing about being rained in in hospital for a bit. heh.

I was just taking time to reflect, I have been in a pensive season for a bit and I think it's not a bad thing, God knows I need to take time out to just process and re-assess and get in touch with Him and self in a deeper way. I realise that a lot of my frustration of late has resulted from waiting. Yes. W.A.I.T.I.N.G. I hate it. Waiting around all day for those 1 or 2 cases. Waiting 3 hours to deliver and having it converted to a forceps delivery. heh. Waiting out postings or seasons in life. God, can't You speed things up? I think someone once said that waiting is a spiritual discipline. Well one that's really discipline to me. haha. God, why can't this person know Christ sooner, God, why can't You resolve this problem sooner. God, why can't You move in this and this way for this and that. I guess that's what our fast-paced modern culture gets us into often and we at times apply it to spirituality. God's timings are different from ours and the worlds. Spiritual formation, fruit in life. It's so easy to gauge all things by KPIs, but God's ways are different and His ways are higher. So I'm learning to be patient. Patient with God (if i could even say that), patient with myself too, patient with others, patient with circumstances and life. Lately I feel we shouldn't want to rush through life, we shouldn't try to grow up too fast. Remember Your Creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come and you say I find no pleasure in them. heh.

very pensive now. very. i get into this mood every now and then. Thought I was just feeling miserable because of my present posting, but it's actually been good. It's been good just reconnecting with myself, really thinking and feeling through my station in life right now. God really has His ways doesn't He? Every detour, every stop sign we are at, so easy to feel frustrated and upset but really in my short 22 years of life, nothing in life happens apart from God's sovereignty. Every situation we are in is engineered according to His good and perfect and pleasing will:)

Really good just spending the evening talking to good friends:) Contemplating life.

So what do i think about life so far? If there's something God's been telling me for a while now, it's that it's really a journey. A long journey till the day we die. So don't need to hurry, don't need to get all worked up over mistakes of blips, we'll work it through together, you and I. Am I not God Almighty, Your Loving Heavenly Father?

Being the go-getter me, I often set my sights on goals and run headlong into them. We're told to fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfector of our faith and run the race with perseverance no? (Heb12:1-2) But really i think I will do well to sometimes look less at the goal and enjoy the journey more. I think it's pretty evident that an issue I've been really thinking about is sanctification. How far we are from it, what it looks like, the costs, the struggles etc. I'm often comforted by the verse if God did not spare His own Son, how much more will He not give us all things. Often I look at the journey ahead and i wonder, how am I going to survive. It's seemed so hard at times, i wonder what else the future has in store. What highs and what lows of low it might bring. scary. haha. But i think i will do well to remember that above all Jesus holds my hand and He has promised never to leave nor forsake me. And more important is to simply enjoy the ride and the journey with Him. I guess it comforts me much, being someone who sees impossibly high standards and feels paralyzed, that I really think that at the end of it all, God only asks that we do our best. He only asks that we try, and He knows what weak wretched creatures we are, that's why He's given us His Son. I think I would like to enjoy life more, smell the roses more, not worry about all the problems in the world that seem never-ending, trust God more, each day open my eyes to see the beauty of His grace and work aroung me. :)

I'm just speaking from my heart and as a human. Not from some fancy smancy theory or anything. But honestly when I die, I just want to know that I gave life my best shot, that I did what I could to live as best a life as I could, that I tried every day to love God and those around me as best as I can, and sure it won't be perfect, but I'm trying and just trusting that God will make all things beautiful in His time and when He finally comes again:)

I was worshipping God with the song Amazing Grace just now. The song has kept recurring to me over the past week. When my heart was angry with all that's wrong in the world, upset with me being upset, the song would come and it was as if God was tugging at my heartstrings and using the song to soften my upset and troubled heart.

The phrase, my chains are gone, I've been set free really struck me. Especially the word free. I know we are set free, the truth shall set you free. Christ died so that we might be free, where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Time and time again it's said and repeated and so obviously i know it but i guess i've often wondered what it means to be free. free from the cares and troubles of the world, free from anxiety. yes. but to be really free.

and i felt God show me today what it means to be free in another way. I think people who know me would possibly describe me as being a little uptight. ok fine, maybe not a little=P And really, I was worse before God found me and He's been working on me ever since. But yes i am uptight and quite frankly proud at times for being that way. When you're uptight, you make sure things do not go wrong. Not a detail escapes your eye, all contingencies are planned for. We can't afford any mistake guys. keep planning, keep working. nothing less than the very best. not a hair out of place! And it's good, i mean there are benefits to being so, but it also means that often I live on a very tight rope. I'm sure many people are familiar with this. The road is straight and narrow you know. Can't afford any or many mistakes. But often that leaves me living on a tightrope and thin string. Unless I find really good justification for it, good theological and Biblical ones at that, I refuse to cut myself any slack. I'd rather be uptight about spiritual matters than err on the other side. I think both extremes are bad though. Though the former might seem righteous and rigorous, it actually reflects a lack of dependence on God's grace. You depend upon your strength, your will, your love for God which isn't what the Gospel is about. And certainly not much freedom found there, I would know. And others can see it. The latter's obviously not good either for obvious reasons. For a while God's been speaking to me through various people, that Christ really died for our sins, past present and future. I mean of course I know that, that's like basic Christianity, that's like one of the first things u know when you receive Christ right. But the magnitude of what it means to have Christ die for your future sins. It means that on that Cross Christ knew every sin I committed in the past, today and all the sins I will commit tomorrow. He knows when I will deny Him, He knows when I will hurt Him grievously and He died for all that. I felt God say to me today too that even if I went out to commit the most heinous sin possible (all sins are heinous really), do you know that I would still choose to die for you anyway? do you know that nothing will ever change my mind about how I feel towards you? And so i think i know a bit more what it means to walk in freedom. It doesnt mean i can go out and commit sins recklessly, but I can have the confidence that though I sin the next moment, God's grace and Christ sacrifice are enough for me. I needn't fear that I will ever be too far from God's grace. I don't want to commit sins quite frankly coz of the consequences, the pain. I hate sin, yes coz God opposes it but also coz I don't like it, i don't want to face up to the pain of sin, if anything it's cowardice that causes me to fear sin. So we know and rely on the love God has for us (1John3). And it's really true, i have never ever found God's love and grace wanting ever. Never. There is always an abundance of grace. Less uptightness, more reliance on God's grace and love. Sometimes/often I wonder what it means to grow as a Christian. YAM is a big thing to me right. What does spiritual maturity look like, what are we aiming towards. Yes we should know more about God, grow in holiness and love, but i think that really if I had to sum up what walking with God has been all these years, I think it is simply that we learn more and more of how much God loves us. I don't know if we get holier, yes we do, but it's really nothing compared to knowing how much God loves us. Eph3:14-19. =)

Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so. *sob* funny how it seems like you'll never ever outgrow that song?

Argh, stop writing. when i'm writing it means i'm not writing my case report! this is the second one, not the same one as the previous time. aywy, i'm just so touched by the song Jesus loves me this I know. So touched. Reminds me of the Chinese version. Sometimes faith is really so 'simple'/we complicate it too much. When you go to old folks' homes. And you see in the faces of old folks for whom all the Gospel is is, Ye Su ai ni. that's it. and gan xie Ye Su. you see their joy and love and peace. it touches my heart so deep. more than any fantastic, call down fire sermon is to stare at an old person's face who knows the Lord. sob. Oh no, now i'm agonising whether to apply to the US for my elective in May. I'm nearly halfway there already. oh no! pray lif pray!

I've been struggling a bit. Some people would know. haha. Why, I don't know, maybe coz i'm not walking close enough or not doing enough of something, but i think God knows that I just need to struggle. To come to the end of myself, to exhaust all my emotional, spiritual and even physical resources before I say to God that I really surrender. Sometimes I think I make life much harder for myself if only I'd give up faster and easier but oh well we all have our struggles.

My heart had been suboptimal for a while and on Sunday God asked me, Is my love enough for you? Is my love enough for you? To which my response was. pause. erm. maybe. ok, frankly, no. haha. I'm quite frank with God. It's only enough if it made us perfect, it's only enough if YAM were better, if YAMmers were more on fire, it's only enough if we weren't so messed up all the time and surrounded by all these imperfections!! growl.

Along the week, whilst little me had been huffing and puffing and stomping about for a few days, God would come by, poke me on the shoulder and ask, do you know I love you in your imperfections? to which my reply would be yeah i guess, but i dont love me or other people for our imperfections. haha. Sunday's sermon really pierced my heart. I mean it was not 'exceptional', just your usual sermon. I've spent much of last week just sleeping and refusing to do very much. I'd wake up some mornings and it's as if God would have to really drag me out of bed. Oh Lord, I don't want to wake up and face the day. I'd refuse to open my eyes. God, i don't want to face the imperfections and yucky stuff in the world. i don't like the world very much quite frankly. It's full of imperfections, evil, evil people, hypocrisy. No thank You, i'd like to pretend that i dont exist for a while. haha. Today I realised that I've been rather unhappy with myself mostly for a while. I don't know, just unhappy. Whether for this mistake or that, for not being loving enough, not kind enough, not gracious or forgiving enough. But then God comes by each time and says, yes you're not all that, and yes you're far short from what I ask you to be, but that's why my Son died on the Cross for you, for your sins past, present and future. Do you know that you'll never be able to run away from my love? Never. Do you know you'll never run down the depth of my love? Do you know there's nothing you could do to merit or demerit my love? Yes yes, I know that... and then i'll just shut my ears off and run off to try to earn and merit God's love some more. haha. And then God will just have to frustrate me more so that I'll come to my knees and know that nothing, truly nothing compares to His grace and love. So note to self, give up faster, just accept God's love ok, you'll never be good enough. so just accept it and give thanks and be joyful that you could never do anything that could ever come anywhere close to that which Christ has done for you.

I come here to process my thoughts, not all of them, but when i feel like doing so.

It's the morning. Yes, I decided it was not worthwhile standing in an OT and looking at hysterectomy after hysterectomy. I actually don't like the present programme that I am in. I dislike it a lot. And I've hardly ever said this about any rotation i've been in, except maybe eye which made me all the more bewildered as to why that specialty earns so much money and even more so that people would actually put themselves through that for money.

I have strong words for the teaching programme. Much as I feel that you can learn anything from anywhere and anyone, I think this programme has forced me to just about reconsider my position and to place limits and caveats to that belief/philosophy. Sometimes I feel like asking, do these people actually know what they are doing, do they ever imagine for once what it would be like if they were in our shoes, and often the you know whos remark that they've been through all that unpleasantry and done all that, so it's ok if we go through it. Does it not occur to them that perhaps it might be good to revamp or make some changes. But of course there is no need or imperative to because there is no shortfall of people competing for particular specialties anyway and so a vicious cycle ensues. I mean, where is altruism these days, it seems like time and time again I have been proven wrong, that altruism is a noble ideal, one that seems discordant with R.E.A.L.I.T.Y. And just to caveat I don't deeply or seriously feel this way, I just need to rant, just need to process, just need to discard all this and talk it out to myself. R.E.A.L.I.T.Y. bites. hurts. stings.

This week was quite an eye-opening week for me. This week was when the straw finally broke the camel's back and I realised that all this while, the belief that people actually have modicums of consciences and niceness had been misplaced and trodden upon. I actually felt that all the niceness and accomodation I've extend to certain persons around me had been crushed, macerated and spat out into a garbage bag. I felt rather betrayed and made use of. Why? Because I believed in people. Don't worry, i'm not about to start abandoning my belief in people and the belief that if everyone just thought a bit more for others and less of themselves the world would be a nicer and happier place. I'm just processing this out of my system and by the grace of God have had some wonderful friends come alongside me to hold me and hear me out in this time. But yes. I am amazed and find it utterly incredulous at the levels to which some people will stoop. Amazed. Really. I suspect I will be in for much more amazement in this life. Nonetheless my belief has always been that we are to do as much good as we can to those around us because this is God's command, that if we are slapped in the cheek we are to turn the other cheek. And it's one thing to read it in the Bible and another to experience it. Completely another thing. And finally that God will provide. That when people are selfish, scheming, conniving and well plain malicious (ok the last term doesnt quite describe the context of this rant), God will provide. He has the final say. He stores our tears in bottles in heaven (a verse which i clutched to sleep one night this week) and He gives us true comfort which nothing else in the world could give. It's been well, painful and disappointing, but God has been good. I was given this passage to hold onto and to help forgive when I found it incredibly hard to.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Eccl4

Otherwise I am occupying myself with planning what I shall do when I finally fly off to the UK. Berlin, Scotland, would like to go to France again but we'll see how, probably Spain. Turkey, Greece at the end maybe. It has been a nice and welcome distraction from the ugliness of the world.

Because i've been rather bored by the present programme, surprisingly, I've had the chance to think through various things, ministry, my station in life, the next few steps ahead. I had a wonderful time reading the Economist today. Haven't had the chance to really read it properly because of how hectic life has been for some time. I had forgotten how much I've relished such readings and ponderings about life and the world around us. It's times like these, coupled with everything that's been going on, that I start questioning why I am in the course that I am. I've been there, gone through that many many times. Sometimes disconcertingly so. But then each time I hold onto the fact that I knew clear as sky those many years back that God wants me here. Sometimes that's all I have to hold onto. That sometimes when I just don't understand and i can't make sense of it, I just hold onto the fact that I know God will carry me through. Against all the odds, against all the detractors, it's a path I chose and I still daily choose, knowing that divine provision has gotten me through all these years and will continue to get me through.

and i fully acknowledge and want to caveat that i'm a hypocrite in many ways too. Pointing out the unpleasantries in life isn't in ignorance to the fact that i too contribute to the ugliness of life in small and big ways. I recounted all that's happend to our med BS group and said, it's one thing to theorise about sin and forgiveness and how wretched we really are, and it's another to actually be the recipient of the ugliness of sin, to feel it's ugly and painful effects, to be stabbed by it and to know what forgiveness and the significance of Christ is for us.

I never thought the day would come when someone would tell me "I think you have the wrong attitude in this, you should apologise for being gracious." It's quite funny actually. I never thought it was wrong and a crime to be gracious. I never thought it was wrong to believe the best in people. I never thought it was wrong to trust in God. And I still don't, so there. it's just funny.